Here I am again… Contemplating on my life, our lives as a couple and the following months and years of how this infertility struggle could worsen every little hope and would much likely deteriorate every pain that has been already etched in my heart.
to share with you some of my random thoughts, this infertlity battle marks as my number 2 hardest problem anyone on earth could possibly deal with (these goes to people who’ve been longing to parent a child of course) because still, my top 1 is when a loved one suddenly passes away. (now I am not being biased ok)
But the ironic things is, as I asked my husband yesterday over lunch how infertility is somehow the worst problem anyone could face, he immediately agreed although on the second thought we realized losing someone you love permanently still marks as the worst and yet, the pain with infertility is that you deal with it every month and the pain, the hope, the faith, the longing, the sadness grows more and more as time passes and at the end you wouldnt know what to do anymore.. not unlike when youre grieving over someone who passed away.. the hurt starts and vanishes month after month and years after years as you begin to accept the fact that life moves on and that the owner of our lives is our almighty father so we cant mess with that.
I am at this point in my life where I question my limits. How much more could I tolerate? How many days more til I breakdown again just thinking we’ll grow old without children of our own? Would we still have children? or not at all? Honestly the pain I feel now is aching very bad but somehow I want to cling on this little hope, little faith and my little dream of becoming a mother although it takes hard work to live my life like I am numb because reality is, I am fighting this hard battle every second that I take to breath in and out of this life.
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