Believe me, This took me a lot of courage and strength to finally be able to write here and share our infertility journey as for our very first ivf cycle we’ve undergone.
Today I tested and got a negative. My hopes crushed before me even though we still have a little bit of chance that it may be too early and we would still have a positive, I think I’m considering this over. Sad to say, but we’ve been through a lot of disappointments and negatives so to be on the safer side, might as well expect the worst.
Nothing’s worse than seeing a negative test after you’ve spent thousands of dollars, having been overabused by side effects of all the medications and shots your body painfully experience and hoping that maybe this time around it would work (considering the aggresive treatment) and that all of the sacrifices, money, efforts, office visits and painful bloodworks are worth it.
At this stage of our cycle we are already emotionally, spriritually, physically, financially drained.
Having been through the struggle of infertility hurts already but having to add all the inetrventions and efforts and still no positive outcome is triple the pain.
On the detailed note, I have to share my emotions before doing ivf as it was one of the most mind turning events I’ve felt in my life; At first, I was scared as hell thinking that we are conflicting God’s plan for us by giving us our very own child the natural way. I was concerned with commiting this treatment because I wasnt comfortable with the whole process at all to begin with. Considering my faith and my Catholic beliefs, I never thought in my life that I would not be a mother and that we would be having infertility problems. To top it all off, I thought It wasnt morally acceptable to consider ivf to have our own child and all of a sudden all of my thoughts were right- I googled many times about the issues of ivf and the Catholic church/community and how they are against with the act itself.
I knew that It was a spiritual struggle that I have to overcome asap. I cried, I prayed to God, read books about infertility and contemplated on majority of ill people on earth diagnosed with a life ending disease who prevents, fights and battle it only to be having longer satisfying lives after all the medical interventions when in fact, if they didnt do a thing they could all be dead. Brutal as it may sound but it is the truth.
Infertility is just about the same in my opinion. Yes, It is not a life threathing disease but, it is a disease that doesnt complete the meaning of your life through having your own children.
IVF is not 100% effective- rather, it increases the odds to make a child with the help of doctors/specialists/embryologists and of course your very own eggs and your husband’s sperm. And the rest? it is still up to nature( in my case it is still up to God) if it pursues to a pregnancy or not.
So I figured, if dying people could prevent their disease and be able to live longer, we should also try to battle this disease by the help of Assisted Reproductive Technology.
I realized, if you are placed in a catastrophic situation in your life and the only solution available doesnt pleases you, no matter the opposition of your desires, you would bite it.
So we underwent the treatment with excitement and hope that maybe after more than a year of trying and one failed cycle of IUI this would work.
We reckoned before that maybe, God is just testing our marriage and he is just testing our faith so in the process, we could be stronger both individually and also as married couple.
We thought, more than a year maybe is enough..
We spent our nights praying Novenas. We lit candles, we plead our requests, we asked for strength, we prayed for our ivf cycle to be successful.
and as what I’ve mentioned earlier, ivf doesnt always work. It is still up to our heavenly father- By all means, it is also a gamble.
Now with heavy heart that I am writing here, I honestly couldnt pick up the pieces to understand how these are all part of God’s plan. I am so hurt. This is so painful that we would have to feel how it is to be crushed for the hundredth time again. (I HOPE NOT THOUGH)
I wanted to cling for hope but my strenght isnt viable anymore. I wanted to cry and talk to people who are dealing with this kind of pain so I know we are not alone on this road.
For now, all I could do is accept and live and pray.
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