I just want to write it down for emotional record in this blog as this is what I'm currently feeling. I assume there would be more in time and I suppose that some may still change...
but here goes:
1. I've learned that no matter how much hurt I say I feel, and how much I thought I couldnt live a day with going such painful circumstances, I still dont have any choice but to live. to move on. to accept. to embrace the pain and to try my best to squeeze the good juices that would come from it.. In short, I"ve learned that despite my former prediction of "I couldnt take that if it happens to me one day" - I could still can. ( The pain doesnt lessen, but despite of the pain God still gives me the grace to live and take it one day at a time.
2. I've learned that life will not always be fair to everyone. I could point out one person and say "look, he or she is living the perfect life" but no -some people would always think life is unfair despite the greatness they have.. it just depends on measurement I guess.. because I still believe that some are still luckier than some.. and that goes to the generic population in this world.
3. I've learned that with infertility you will feel that you are missing a leg, blind or have cancer or some sort of impairment or serious illness.. but it isnt just as pitiful to some because they cant see the emotional toll one with infertility has to suffer compared to the given illness above.. but the pain? the stress? the abnormality? it is exactly the same.
4. Ive learned that life is simple. as we grow older it just gets more complicated because we want more things in our lives.. material things.. career.. position and such things. but in the end, the most important in life is just family and God..
5. I've learned to surrender to God all the things I cannot control - anymore.. to say to yourself "I cant do this alone".. to let things go.. to give it to the lord and ask for his presence to sustain you all throughout your life.. and that in the midst of the willingness to surrender, you will find inner peace..
6. I've learned that I wasnt born for myself and for other people.. I was born for God. I was born to be bring glory to him in all the things I do.. that my purpose in life isnt to do what I want.. but what God wants in my life.. and by prayer, I could hopefully be guided by his plans for me.
7. I've learned that accepting the painful situation makes me less fragile. it means acknowledging my imperfections.. embracing my weaker spot and eventually becoming a little braver than ever.
8. I've learned to apologize for my mistakes. even if I know that I didnt have one to begin with.. because maybe the other person is just twice as sensitive as me.. so I've learned to be compassionate to others more now..
9. I've learned to think of the lord as much as I can in everything I do. my purpose is to please him.. and yes, there are still a lot of times that I fail.. but that is my goal..
10. I've learned that in this mundane world, I still have to pray.. to find myself, even if i think i know myself - I still don't.. I still have to rely to God to discover more of myself..
11. I've learned to consider other peoples opinion. my parents,.my husband.. my families and friends.. before I was so close minded to what they say because I was so focused with my personal point of views.. but now.. I'm learning the value of considering peoples advice.. ideas.. opinions.. because the world is big.. God doesnt place such people in your life to just pass by but are there for a reason.. and maybe that reason is to listen to them..
12. I've learned that I am still living everyday with an aching heart.. envious for mothers who have children of their own.. and looking closer at myself and say that I can't..
13.. Ive learned that my motherly instincts aren't there for no purpose. even if im infertile, I could still love, offer to care, and give guidance -- maybe through caring and loving another child.. and yes, even if I didnt even think of doing this before.. I could.. my heart could.. because my heart is open to love.. and it could never be close to love.. even through adoption.
14. I've learned that adoption isnt just there to make you the parent you want to be, but it is there majority to give love and care for an abandoned child who deserves all the love in the world.. and by what it means, adoption is a two way thing.. the parent to love a child, and the child to love and be loved in return.
15. and finally, I've learned that if you are capable of becoming who you want to be, with Gods help, you could. just believe. maybe not in the exact way you've planned for, but similarly you could.
