A calm after the storm

Ive had a terrible day yesterday. We went to my godsons 1st bday/dedication.. first, I want to clearly state that his birthday party was not the reason for my bad day because I love my godson dearly and I am very proud and glad that he has been dedicated to our lord and savior already... but I just felt bad that while I was in the midst of that place, I was surrounded with so many pregnant women.. I've been bitter once again.. feel betrayed by my own body.. felt envious for their gift of motherhood.. of a family.. I felt bad for seeing all those pregnant women who will leave happily and will always have families of their own..

I felt lost.. how will I start? where do I begin life without the one thing I cant have? Career wise, I was baffled because eversince I was a child all I know is when I grow up, I would be a stay at home mom and be a housewife.. but God had a different plan.. and I am trusting him for whatever he has in store for us..and now.. I yesterday I felt lost..

Befor going to bed I prayed to the lord to give me direction to his path.. to give me strength.. and today, after Ive finished watching sunday worships online, theres one thing I've learned.. God deserves to be praised and loved even if we think everything or almost everything has been taken away from us.. and that is the real meaning of faith in God..

Its easy to praise and glorify the lord in the happiest times of our lives but during the hardest.. It is the true praise and glory that the lord is after..

and now in the middle of this chaotic circumstances that I'm in.. I want to apologize to the lord for being bitter and envious.. I should just look up to him and love him because I am noone without him.

GOD is not Santa claus

I used to be angry at God.. Mostly when I'm having a hard time.. When it seems that he isn't listening to my petitions and requests.. When he disappoints me.. Whenever he turns me down.. And yes.. I used to do good things in the hopes of it being replaced by him with the things I've prayed for..

But it's not like that.. Slowly but surely I've learned that I should always give thanks and praise to him even when it is the hardest to do. GOD will always be my God in good and and in the worst times of my life..

He is not a Santa Claus where he would always give what I ask of him. God is my almighty father who gives me the happiest and saddest days of my life in his and for his own purpose only (that I wouldn't always understand) to hone me to the person he wants me to be.

I've realized that it is only through him that I am living on this earth and only for this purpose so I shouldn't and couldn't be angry at him..

I love my God and I am letting go.. Surrendering to him all of my burdens and fears I know he wouldn't ever forsake me.. Even if I am heartbroken now..

If he gives me a child or not.. I would just pray for strength... Strength to surpass the hurt.. His will.. Not mine.. His time.. Not mine.

I still give praise and glory to him as I have a great husband and family who support and love me all the time.

13dp5dt Negative

negative. beta levels are less than 2.

Cried ourselves nonstop but putting our trust in God.

I am still a little in denial since I havent gotten my period yet but it is what it is..

God give us strength.

12dp5dt Last day of the unknown..

10.20.14


Yes. I've reached this far without testing.. Also, Ive reached this far without getting my period.
I want to claim that this is already a sign of pregnancy.. missed my period for 5 days now and I usually don't reach this far.. my breasts are soo heavy just like whenever I'm having pms (and yes, the tenderness has returned at around 6 or 7dp5dt) besides that, I have shooting pain in my boobs from time to time.. a little cramping (which made me anxious that I was about to start my period but it did not..)

I'd love to confirm this is it but the beta hcg test tom will confirm! and I am excited and nervous at the same time! I owe all of these to my God and savior, Lord Jesus Christ...

Everytime I pee, I pray.. I pray to not see any tinge of blood.. I pray that my embryos are already growing inside me more and more each day.. I pray to God to protect them, bless them and always love them even if they are still not yet here in this world.

This is the last day of the unknown.. Tom I would have an answer as to whether I am pregnant or not (knocking on some wood please dont do that.)

I am excited because I am hopeful and because I feel that God gave this chance to us this time.. I am nervous because I've been hurt so many times with failed cycles..

I pray.. I beg the lord to hear me and I know he did.. he is hearing me every single word.. uttered and unuttered.

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

My God will never forsake me! I am his child forever.. I hope that I am already a mother at this very moment.. In jesus name I will always pray.. AMEN...

Wish me luck!

And I am renewed.

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

I will just start from saying that I was born and raised as a catholic. All my families and relatives from both sides are all catholic. I thought that was the only religion people have - As I grew older, I begun to become more aware of christ.. I knew and I was taught that God gives us the blessings that we have in our everyday life. There was one instance in my childhood where Jesus Christ appeared himself to me. Yes, it sounds like a joke but it wasnt. I saw him based on how he looks like in pictures.. I saw him from our old house - I was downstairs and somehow a light reflected on me and I stared in between the spaces of our stairway to the second floor, and then there he was, Jesus - his appearance was concocted with the light... after a few seconds, it disappeared..

As a child, I didnt take it so seriously, I just tell that story randomly to people whenever jesus is the subject.. but for me that was it.. because to begin with, I already knew he existed. I believed in him and there was never a day that I did not.. I just knew that he made me feel special by appearing to me..

Growing up, I try to gather that instance over in over in my mind. I kept on telling the lord how special he made me feel for not all people see him randomly just like how he showed his image to me. As I grow older and older I am becoming more and more astound.

I guess that summons my strong faith to the lord. I've always known him and loved him also acknowledged and appreciated him eversince. 

I've always had a strong relationship with the lord.. I pray all the time.. I talk to him in random minutes of my life , I think of him as my imaginary friend, savior and God. he is and always has been my rock. 

There was even a time in my life where I thought that I was one of his favorites because I never truly had a major problem in my life..

not until I experience this thing called infertility...

to sum the pain - it is unbearable..

I had prayed and prayed.. called the lord.. asked the lord.. begged the lord.. cried and cried and questioned the lord..

and then there was a time where I stopped praying.. stopped believing.. although I still knew that God is always there I just thought that he didnt care for me not unlike when I was still younger..

I went by with treatments that emptied our bank accounts... i still pray from time to time.. yes.. i still believed.. but when he never gave me the desires of my heart I got discouraged...

Last year, we (both me and my husband) were introduced to a christian church called CCF (christ commision fellowship)  at the first few sunday services we were feeling out of placed, but yet in our hearts the message of the lord was charging our souls and so we kept on coming back.. from feeling out of placed we found ourselves looking forward to attend again.. and again.. and again.. and we found that church our sunday home....

It was surreal.. I've always wanted to renew my strength and faith with the lord and this church made it happen.. it also helped my husband strengthen his faith more to the lord.. 

I love how spiritually we are changed.. there have been several things in our lives that changed for the better and I couldnt thank anybody but our Father god and our savior Jesus Christ...

I am now in a point in my life where almost everything I do, I always try to get a prescription from God.. I wanted to follow his will.. wanted to do what pleases him.. for there are no other God except him.. 

so I am praying..

I am renewed.. although am still a work in progress I could feel that the lord is working in my heart and life..and I will forever have this thirst in my life.. to have that special bond with the creator of life..

:)

6dp5dt

I cant deny the fact that I am scared.

I didnt googled any symptoms as promised. but I'm trying to have a glympse of ivf sisters in instagram and youtube..

I feel normal today. my boobs arent sore anymore not like last week and I usually feel this every month and end up not being pregnant at all. I'm scared. so scared.

lastnight I had on and off headaches but when I woke up today nothing...

I am continuously praying that God would provide me strength to overcome this week because my period is scheduled to arrive tom if I'm not preggers. so I am keeping my fingers crossed, surrendering myself to the lord my savior and yes I admittedly confess everynight for worrying still.. :(

This week is the hardest week of my life. given the fact that if this fails, I wouldnt know If I would still trust in vitro.. we are out of funds.. I dont want to go back to any of my vices..

so this week would be the hardest.. I pray that I wouldnt get my period and be already pregnant at this very moment...


Dear God Almighty

I know you hear my pleas.. I know you listen to my cries.. I know you promised me of blessing me with a child or children.. I know I will have my time.. I just dont know when..

please let it be this time my father.. please don't keep my waiting more..

Lord jesus,heal and save me. help me to always put my trust in your loving hands.. help to always understand your will.. to always know that you will never forsake me..

In jesus name I will always pray..

Amen

my wisdom tooth and another testimony

I have to share what happened with me before the transfer of our embryos, my left jaw started to ache when i figured that maybe my wisdom tooth is growing at the wrong time - ( I wasnt in the house then, as i went with my friend to buy some party supplies for her sons first bday party) anyhow, the pain wasnt that much so i carried on and besides, my mind was preoccupied with our upcoming transfer very early the next day (530 am was our schedule) and i was worried how many of our 3 morulas would be able to survive so somehow I was not focusing on my toothache. and then our transfer day came - when I got home while eating our meal, I noticed that the pain was starting to deteriortate and I couldnt do anything as the embryos were just transferred in me (no medications allowed or even X-ray)

I messaged my doctor to ask what can i do as the pain is getting worse and he replied that it is safe to take paracetamol. I was still hesitant to take it as I wanted to do whats best for my babies and tolerate the pain - by the time we were about to sleep the pain got unbearable so i decided to jump in and take 2 paracetamols (as per doctors advice).

the pain didnt go away but it sure did lessen. and the next day i talked to my sister about my wisdom tooth erupting and she said that there are no other way to stop the pain but go to the dentist and have it extracted - I was so muted at her as i didnt tell any of my family members the fet transfer (because I dont want them to hope or get disappointed and I dont want to announce bad news and was looking forward to just surprise them instead, hopefully!)

and then i prayed to god and told him to take away the pain.. I asked him why now? if I am pregnant i would have to wait for my 2nd trimester to have my tooth extracted.. but i also told him if this was a consequence or a test or whatsoever I am willing to undergo just let me have a baby and calm and take away the pain even just for awhile.

in conclusion, my pain was deteriorating for 4 days and my gums was bleeding even my lower teeth was so painful i think its moving as well as the wisdom tooth is pushing through. at night, I pray and there are those moments that the pain disappears.. and I would praise the lord for comforting me..

Saturday morning -- my husband wants us to go to the dentist to have my tooth checked he is worried i might have irritations or infections and so we went. the dentist wants to do an xray but scared since i told him my condition that i might be pregnant but to clear my mind with peace i texted my doctir to ask if it ws safe to do an xray and that there would be an abdominal led shield and my doctor agreed but just pointed out that i need to have a shield.

So we went thru with the X-ray. yes -- there it was! my wisdom tooth growing sideway! the reason of my pain - the dentist told me he could only extract that on my 2nd trimester if pregnant. and if not, go back to him next week.

But what i forgot to mention was that on saturday morning the pain subsided.. and by sunday? the pain was completely gone!!! and now monday? feels like it didnt even happen at all. no more swelling, no more pain, no more aches.

and this is impossible! for wisdom tooth pain would only disappear once it has been extracted!

but i believe that nothing is impossible with God! The lord healed me! To God be the highest glory and praise! :)

Our embryos :)

transfer day and trusting God (Stopped googling)

10.10.14

this is a late post. the transfer day was really last 10.08.14 but I was too busy having my bed rest so I wasn't able to blog.

And now I can..

So let me start..

I've always prayed for god to give life to our embryos - for our 3 remaining embryos that were frozen last december 2013. Honestly, I was worried and anxious as they are not yet blastocysts when they were frozen only morulas on day 5 (though i forgot their grades). Ive been googling as ive always done it in the past (googling every curiosity or terms or whatsoevers) ive been googling success for frozen morula transfers and found out that some succeeded and some failed.

I was like playing thug of war in my head only i dont have any opponent just me pulling back and forth my hope and fear altogether. and then there was guilt.. as soon as Ive felt Gods presence more in my life, I suddenly knew whats wrong and right and i instantly have the urge and conscience not to do the wrong if I know that wasnt the will of the lord - I felt that God was not putting me in the same direction where i used to be before (googling and analyzing and looking forward to what the outcome is going to be)

I also remember one instance where I was trying to search in instagram hashtag ivf or hashtag 2ww and saw a pic where it says something like "trust god not google." -that moment, my guilt was confirmed. God was talking to me and i remembered a verse in the back of my head Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34"
so I told myself to stop over analyzing and just try to lift all this to the lord...

So transfer day came - I cant lie that yes even though im trusting the lord there are still little fear in my heart and trauma for my past negative experience so we didn't know how many of our 3 morula survived the thaw - we changed into our hospital gown (me, my husband and his grand mother) and still we dont know the answer of how many survived.. 

As i was waiting and laying in the bed anticipating some great news and anxiously scared if there are some bad news, the embryologist went closer and approached us. she started with her usual pleasantries and said that we thawed 3 embryos lastnight and out of all 3, 3 survived. I was ecstatic! I felt Gods presence again - after the embryologist followed up with and out of the 3 the 2 grew overnight and is now considered as expanded blastocysts and the last one is a little slow but still grew and is an early blastocyst! Right then and there, I whispered to myself to God be all the glory and praise!! and said thank you to the lord.

I knew it was God - I knew it was him who kept our embryos safe in his loving arms. I know God wanted me to trust him, to let go of tomorows worries. I never expected and hoped they grow that fast as I was just focused with the fact that they were frozen morulas and so they will be transfered back also as morulas.

God answered my prayers and I gave thanks to him - yes small little answers like that, I rejoice! I am not claiming this transfer will be successful but I am concluding that Gods presence were felt and I know he will give us children or a child (I just hope that he will use this fet as his instrument for his gift to us)

I'm having big hopes that this is it. I know God can do this to us. I know God listened to my prayers. I know God is behind these. I know this frozen embryo transfer was his will as ive asked for his answers.. because before starting this fet we were out of budget - I was doing LIT treatments to treat my immune system and that was draining our financial budget that time so I asked god if he wil provide for us and give provisions financially it will be his will.. and true enough the grandmother of my husband was helping out so i figured God really wanted us to pursue this..

Right now? I am 2dp5dt and I dont have symptoms.. had spotting yesterdat morning but that was it. nada. yes, i feel scared for another negative cycle just thinking about it makes me cringe to death. :( but I am not yet there. I am still here PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with triplets!!!!

So let me just be thankful and thank God for giving me the priviledge to be carrying these embryos that we pray to become humans soon :)

I know that with God nothing is impossible. I will continue to trust in him for I know he always knows the best for me even if sometimes I dont understand. I know this is something so magical..