Grievance and some vices

After all the stress and hurt = emotionally, physically, financially and yes even spiritually we allowed our selves to do what normal people does best - and that is to relax..

However it's still easier said than done because we still have the same pain and anger about this unfairness of life..

Oh well. That's about it

Agree

Another negative and some testing of faith

Last night was one of my unprepared moments when I suddenly saw a spot of blood in my underwear while peeing. Usually or on most months since we've been ttc around the time of my period, I get freighten to pee because I know I cannot handle the reality that was creeping in and that was getting my period after trying hard. Very hard. Usually I secretly know that it's coming because pms stops but up to the last ounce I see myself grabbing hope..

Only to get hurt.. Disappointed in the end.

This time, I thought this might be it. Our relationship with God strengthen as we pray for our child. God answered most of the signs we prayed for this month its pretty scary more on surreal.. so we placed our faith in him even more because in his signs we thought that meant something. Besides, the iui cycle seemed succesful-  I had 3 eggs, peng's count and motility were good numbers, my endo was recently removed thru laparoscopy, we were spiritually fulfilled, God gave us the signs so we knew this was our time.. Or so we thought.

So last night, I was really unprepared. I thought really that our cycle worked because I was starting to feel sleepy during the day, I had a headache yesterday, my boobs never deflated in size after the soreness from the monthly pms (which happens every month), so I was a little confident because somehow I felt the symptoms but to top it all, we knew God was carrying us to our dream this time.

Why? After seeing the spot of blood I cried. My husband cried too. We cried our hearts out.. We don't have words to explain the pain. We were crushed for the nth time. We hoped.. gave our best shot and lifted everything to God  and yet ? I am still not pregnant. 

I cannot express how painful it feels to be in this horrendous situation every f'n month. I honestly don't know how much more I could take. Why us? Why me? I said to myself and even shared to my husband that growing up, I've always had a strong faith in God.. In my childhood, I used to think I was one of his favorites because I haven't felt real pain like what I feel now. Ever since I was young, all I wanted to be was to be around babies and kids. I wanted to take care of babies. I wanted to be a mother someday and when my someday finally came, I thought my dreams will unfold pretty fast but no- hell no.

I still remember a moment in my college classroom when the professor asked our goals and who we wanted to be when we grow up. Some says they wanted to be a billionaire, a businessman/woman, to be successful in their chosen fields and when it was my turn I proudly said that I wanted to be a wife and a mother and to have a happy family.- I remember that moment because I had the most different and simplest answer. 

Simple? I thought so too. Maybe for most couples even to those who aren't couples at all.. It maybe the most easiest thing in the world for them and I envy them for intentionally and even unintentionally bringing a child in to this world easily.  But in our situation? It is the most hardest painful situation we've ever faced and we are still facing in our lives.

Last night I told my husband I did everything I thought that could help me get pregnant- the pain and nervous anticipation of the first surgery I have felt in my life.. Our savings all spent in treatments..medicines.. Doctor visits.. Tests.. I thought I have gave it all.. And just when I thought I was about to hear comforting words from him- he cried.

And I understand because at this point in our lives crying is enough to suffice the pain. It's to hard to grab a word because we know it would never be enough.. 

Our life is changed tremendously now. We feel defective as a couple in this normal world where majority of people are parents and could easily parent a child.. 

We feel misunderstood. It may seem pretty easy to handle when you're outside the box but to be in this box of infertility for real? I can say that It is the most scariest, saddest and hopeless place you will ever have to be in.

Right now I find it hard to believe that something beautiful would unfold and despite my many understanding of who God is and my respect for his words I still can't understand why I have to be where I am exactly at this moment and where I have been placed for the past months.

My prayer is that for me to be strong and to somehow catch a glimpse of understanding of where God is in this situation so I can see his plans.

12dpiui and sad

I'm so sad. Words are not enough to describe. I'm scared this would hurt me again. for the nth time. :(

I'm so scared

9dpiui

All I could say is I feel guilty for not trusting God enough because I feel like this cycle would lead to disappointment again just like the past years. A few days ago, we went to tagaytay and prayed in Tierra de maria and pink sisters 

We/I prayed to God, Mama Mary and lady of manaoag to grant us our desire of being parents and to have our child or children because we also prayed to have twins..

And then for a minute I felt that my prayers are answered. I felt their presence and that I was being heard. It's so solemn and peaceful it's one of the greatest feelings that I have felt with The Lord and I feel I am closest to him than ever. I also prayed to our dear mama Mary and lady of manaoag and believed that this time it's my turn for motherhood. 

I claimed it. I felt it. I trusted the giver of life and I want to trust him forever. I was optimistic because I was under their blessings.

Who was I to not believe in the miracles of the Lord? 

And then there came no symptoms.. There were all the infertility blogs I've read online that their iui cycles only lead them to bfns.. And that the only cycles that worked for them was ivf..

Of course, I got discouraged. I felt guilty that I am becoming a negative person now after the solitude I felt days ago. But can you blame me? I was hurt numerous times before and now I'm somehow just being cautious... but is this wrong?

I feel that my faith is being tested heavily. 

I still feel so helpless because I know that I can't handle another negative result but I guess the saying is really true "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I was never aware I could handle such pain but here I am living and breathing still.. But deep inside I'm crying.. 

I want to trust God completely and that I guess would be my battle until I get to my strongest point:(

Little one, we've been praying for you. I wish you're already conceived in my womb.. I wish I can be able to know that I'm pregnant already so I can be the most happiest person in the world.

Dear God, my prayer is just for you to grant us with a baby. I wish this would be our time. I hope you will give us another miracle. Always make me strong. In fact, stronger than before so I can always handle things. Please let me be a faithful child of yours so I could only trust no one but you. Grant my petitions lord.. 

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

7dpiui Helpless

Today I feel helpless. I've said in my previous entry that I am not very optimistic about this cycle due to the pain i felt for the past years... But I have to admit that despite how realistic I am now about this cycle not working- it also scares me to death because if it doesn't work after my laparoscopy that means I would be having hard time with the following months as well.. Also, the main culprit are both my tubes as my fimbrial ends are distorted already it might not function normally again:( 

I don't know how to handle another kind of pain but it seems like I was put in this situation to be stronger than ever.. 

I hope God would answer our prayers.. And I am putting all my trust in him.. If not, I hope he gives us courage to face life and live to the fullest despite the challenges were now facing..

difference of our 1st and 2nd IUI

it's ironic that it's already been a year since our last cycle of IUI- that was October 2012 and now being unplanned after a laparocopy surgery we did the 2nd cycle of IUI this September of 2013.

I noticed that there have been differences since the last cycle because during our first we were so optimistic it would work, we were over the moon when we found out I produced 4 mature follicles that of course could lead to multiples! we were that optimistic the thought of having quadruplets scared us!! me and peng even wore our "lucky" shirt for the gender of the babies (blue for him and obviously pink for me), I was obsessed every day after the IUI I thought that I would finally get pregnant I was even talking to my belly so they could stick and finally implant on their own and I can still remember that I cannot wait to test already I even set a date earlier than when my period is due but in the end, there came the negative result of the pregnancy test and soon enough my period was second to arrive.

My heart was crushed.



This time, When we had our IUI procedure I wore an ordinary shirt I cant even remember now that I'm typing this. Peng asked me when are we going to take a test only to realize that I dont have any plans on taking a test at all to begin with because maybe I am not the same optimistic person I was a year ago after every disappointment and pain every month I realized I would just wait if I get my period or not. Also, this time we found out that I produced 3 mature follicles and after the doctor saw the ultrasound he warned us by saying "you could have 3 babies." and all I could utter back was "I wish..."

I cant deny the fact that we are still secretly hoping to conceive but I can tell that we are both cautious of what might be the result in the end. Too much hurt made us cautious to be more hopeful because in the end that's also for our own good.

I've learned that after merely 2 years all in all, (trying hard naturally, IUI, clomid, IVF, the works and the negative letdowns each time) we are now more realistic than before. Yes, it would still crush our hearts but the ritual is changing as time goes by. If I were to look back at how we were a year ago, I would laugh at ourselves because our innocence made us the most optimistic people only to get hurt in the end and now? I am just praying.. wishing.. asking the lord to finally hear our pleas.. although lately we've been begging the lord and mama mary to grant us the child we've been praying for. (I know they will grant it. I just dont know when) all I could say is that our faith is stronger than before.. because in the end it's all up to God...

what no one told you about trying to conceive

copied from pasted this article from www.thetwoweekwait,com

it in fact teared me up and made me smile a little because the truth is, these words are mending a broken heart of an infertile couple because of its witt and honesty.

here goes :

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive…

That unprotected sex doesn’t necessarily lead to pregnancy.

That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.

That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH(dearest husband) at O(ovulation) time.

That the longer you TTC(trying to conceive), the more PG(pregnant) women spring up around you.

That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.

That one day you wouldn’t mind checking your CM(cervical mucus) or to see if it is your fertile period.

That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors & people I meet

That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm

That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines……until only one shows up every month

That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)

That you have no control over some of the goals you set…

That wishing really hard for something doesn’t make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn’t make it change!

That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).

That a pregnancy doesn’t always equal a baby.

That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.

That my friends’ pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That we wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!

That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa every night (estrace pill…done vaginally),

That I’d EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.

That it wouldn’t happen the first time you didn’t use birth control like we were led to believe in school.

That you wouldn’t know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.

That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!

That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!

That we could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.

That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people’s “good news” of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money or have won a lottery.

That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.

That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.

That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who’s bathroom you are in.

That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

That I wouldn’t want to hold or see someone’s baby because it just hurts way too much.

That a group of “strangers” who I will probably never meet, have now become my “best friends” when it comes to ttc.

That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.

That infertility is more common than you think.

That DH would get used to doing his ‘thing’ in a jar.

That one day all of this will make us stronger.

That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).

That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.

That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.

That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.

That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people’s pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.

That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.

That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.

That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.

That I’d be glad to know that I have PCOS or Endometriosis - because at least I know what’s wrong.

That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).

That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can’t do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)

That foreplay would consist of DH asking “How’s your cervix today”

That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.

That one person could be “cursed” with so many different fertility problems.

That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.

That some people just say the wrong things.

That a simple blood test costs $648!

That sex would ever become a chore!

That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me “I know how you feel…”

That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!

That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have 

That I would become addicted to POAS (pee on a stick) and not sleep at night because I couldn’t wait to POAS in the morning!

That I would be so sad, and ashamed.

That I would learn to speak in code
Like I checked Cm (cervical mucus) which was EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) but when I will POAS (pee on a stick) who knows, dh (dear husband) won’t let me for fear of BFN (big fat negative)

That when AF (aunt flo) showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.

That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.

That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

That you HAVE to have sex even though you don’t feel like it, but because youre ovulating.

That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.

That I would meet such wonderful group of people online that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.

That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future 

That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn’t time yet.

That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.

That I would hear well-meaning questions like: “Have you thought of taking your temperature?” (and this is after 20 months TTC…)

That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: “You have no idea what it’s like!”

That the two little words of “just relax” uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.

That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant

That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.

That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. 

That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.

That I wouldn’t be able to attend my friend’s babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, “So, when are ya’ll going to have children.”

That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. “It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn’t understand.” or “Be happy you’re not tied down.”

That I would watch a Baby Story every day… only to cry every day.

That it puts this much strain on a marriage.

That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can’t seem to lose the witch!

It’s good to know I am not alone.

That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.

That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy 

That your body has its own mind.

That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.

That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.

That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.

That all of a sudden nursing other people’s babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling

That you feel useless as a female

That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur and end up disappointed

That answering questions about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.

For my unconceived baby

For my unconceived baby..

"I have died everyday waiting for you 

Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more”

...

(The things I/We did and willing to do in the hope of having you)

September 28 2013 2nd IUI after Laparoscopy

092813

2 days ago SEP 26 2013, We’ve undergone another IUI procedure. This is our 2nd as we’ve already tried IUI last year but somehow, we count this as our first because this is the next cycle following my laparoscopy surgery where doctor cleared my stage 2-3 endometriosis and dilated my narrow fimbrial ends to make it wider.

For some reason, I'm hoping God would finally listen our prayers and desires. I had 3 mature follicles on my right ovary and pengs post wash sperm count was 16M and mobility was 90%. 

Research shows that IUI with 3 or more mature follicles holds the best chance for conception and post wash sperm of 10M and above is good enough to fertilize a single egg or two.

I am scared that it may still not work after all.

As for the mean time, we’re currently on our 2 week wait and we wanted to keep ourselves busy so it wouldn’t be too dragging for us just waiting for a result that could either make us or completely break us.

I always pray to God to give us twins and if not I’m still hoping he would give us even at least one..

September 19 2013 Dealing with infertility

Here I am again… Contemplating on my life, our lives as a couple and the following months and years of how this infertility struggle could worsen every little hope and would much likely deteriorate every pain that has been already etched in my heart.

to share with you some of my random thoughts, this infertlity battle marks as my number 2 hardest problem anyone on earth could possibly deal with (these goes to people who’ve been longing to parent a child of course) because still, my top 1 is when a loved one suddenly passes away. (now I am not being biased ok) 

But the ironic things is, as I asked my husband yesterday over lunch how infertility is somehow the worst problem anyone could face, he immediately agreed although on the second thought we realized losing someone you love permanently still marks as the worst and yet, the pain with infertility is that you deal with it every month and the pain, the hope, the faith, the longing, the sadness grows more and more as time passes and at the end you wouldnt know what to do anymore.. not unlike when youre grieving over someone who passed away.. the hurt starts and vanishes month after month and years after years as you begin to accept the fact that life moves on and that the owner of our lives is our almighty father so we cant mess with that.

I am at this point in my life where I question my limits. How much more could I tolerate? How many days more til I breakdown again just thinking we’ll grow old without children of our own? Would we still have children? or not at all? Honestly the pain I feel now is aching very bad but somehow I want to cling on this little hope, little faith and my little dream of becoming a mother although it takes hard work to live my life like I am numb because reality is, I am fighting this hard battle every second that I take to breath in and out of this life. 

September 11 2013 Questions and hard truth

09.11.13

Why does it seem like all of the women that I know and even strangers that I see outside are pregnant and I’m not?

Why do I have to witness the announcements and growth of pregnancies of  people close to me and I only end up feeling sorry for myself because I have none and I’m trying so hard to have one?

Why does it always become a reminder for me of how long have we been trying to conceive every time I watch their growing bellies expand more and more every month? because the truth is we started way before their wombs are still even empty.

Why does it feel that life is unfair and it’s playing favoritism on us?

Why should it have to be this way when every other women I know doesn’t go through this pain and hardships? 

Why is it that I know a lot about my reproductive system and how it functions and even my husbands semen information and other women doesn’t know a thing and still ends up pregnant after just one try? or second perhaps?

Why do people always have to say  ”just relax” ? because its killing my nerves every time! 

Why do I feel defeated when I see our savings just leaks out in our fertility treatments, tests and drugs only to watch other people spend their savings in a nice vacation, a car, a down payment for their dream house or even just for shopping sprees? 

Why cant it be my turn?

Why does it have to hurt this bad every damn day?

Why does we always have to risk our emotions, finances, hopes and dreams only to be frustrated in the end?

September 5 2013 Wishing on twins

This month after having my period out doctor suggested we do iui with fertility drugs for higher possible chance of pregnancy.

Since I just found out that one of the beauty bloggers on YouTube that I follow is pregnant again with twins after giving birth just a year ago I caught myself in deep envy of her situation because thats what I also long for in life.

I am very adamant with the idea of having twins despite that my doctor thinks negatively about it because its high risk - I’ve wanted kids all my life and ever since I was a child, I’ve always dreamt of becoming a mother, I was always and I have always been so passionate on babies and taking care of them that’s why when I grew up and got married my thoughts on getting my dreams granted was bursting in excitement. Later on, we’ve found out its hard to make a single baby, we’ve learned about our situation of trying for more than a year but not getting pregnant and somehow our doctor gave a formal term on our situation which is called “primary infertility.”

I still remember telling my mother about us( me and my husband) being infertile and she is still groping the idea of labeling us such horrendous term because we were just trying for a while (that time) and also I remember one of my closest friend second guess if we are really infertile.

Fast forward to today, I wish what they said was true but it’s not because up to this very day were still unable to become parents on our own.

Cutting back the sentiments, as I have mentioned on my previous blog that there’s a possibility that we could just have 1 child (because my Fallopian tube is damaged and might retort to its original shape soon) I am now persistently longing to have more than one child in 1 pregnancy.

I wish we could have twins. A healthy boy and girl twins :)

I always pray to God to bless us children of our own.. :)

September 03 2013 Update

090313

I’ve been meaning to write here and make an update about our infertility journey and some of random events that happened here in the philippines but I always end up losing it in the first few words so that made all my attempts failed.

I have to share that maybe the reason why im always losing it is because I’ve been so lost already to begin with, I wanted to update the growth of our journey but to the mere honesty of it, there are no growths at all. - That’s why i fail because our journey is still a failure/matter of factly/.:(

 Now, I had to break the habit of losing it as im trying to brave up a little because I have to be at some point a positive person and that yes, despite my still empty womb there has been a lot of progress that I need to write here- 

Last week, 082713, I have done a surgery called Laparoscopy (a surgery that makes 3 or 4 incisions (4 in my case) in the abdomen to check out the inside of the uterus and treat any possible diseases or infertility problems. It was a huge step to make because first, I havent had a surgery since birth and I’ve never done any tests that says I needed the laparoscopy and lastly, the cost was half the price of a traditional ivf already/so you can just imagine/. Emotionally, physically and financially there was truly an effort involved but the effort of physical pain after the surgery was the biggest effort of all- it was torturous and very very painful and the only thing that lingered on my mind was that “I was one step closer to having my very own baby.” that gave me slight relief in the midst of aches and pain.

The diagnosis of the doctor was that I had stage 2-3 Endometriosis (that was already my instinct.) and that the ends of both my fallopian tube was narrow (not normal) and he fixed the problems already and to top it off, there would be a great chance to conceive in the next 6 months following my lap so at one point I was ecstatic because at least I know what’s wrong and it has been cured already but there was still a negative news out of the whole diagnosis and that is my fallopian tubes might possibly go back to its narrow size after 6 months. Conclusion would be if God grants us a child within the 6 month period, it would be harder for us to conceive again and my dreams of having a big family would be quite impossible again  :(

Pain, Struggles, Hardships and a lot of efforts are involved but I am trying my best to be optimistic despite it all.

I hope that one day I could write a happy story here. 

May 12 2013 Empty womb on mothers day

whats more painful for a woman who desperately longs fora child?

May 11 2013 Thoughts

5.11.13

I started this blog as a continuation and memories of my thoughts and views about certain things that life showed and will show me: the good, the bad, the unexpected and all the other complexed feelings I felt and would somehow feel, specially now that I embarked a new chapter of my life as a wife and hopefully a mother soon. Also, to cater to my passion for writing as that was my desire ever since I was entering adulthood.

Little did I know, that this blog would soon be my infertility journal. Years passed and no babies yet. Only me and my husband and this thing called infertility.

Like today, yesterday and the past few days I thought I’ve had enough, I thought I was about to get crazy with all the medications and hormonal related effects it brings me and of course the negative pregnancy tests month after month and as months turn into years, I realized that I could no longer take it but I have to. I dont have any other choice but to live and feel this pain til I dont know when…

May 6 2013 Why get delayed if youre not at all pregnant?

05/06/13

This is “again” the worst above the worst moments of my infertility journey, being late with my period and then a negative home pregnancy test. How lame could that be? although today is quiet the longest, It’s been merely 2 days since the arrival of what should have been my period but its still not showing up.

I’ve spent the couple of days googling things and symptoms such as sore breast and dizziness and saw results of early pregnancy symptoms; secretly, I’ve been hoping and jumping in glee that maybe this could be it, as obvious as it may seem I am in fact 1 day late and now 2 but this morning was a total bullshit again (sorry for the bad word) because I tested negative again with first response considering that I am 2 days late.

Again, with all the hopes and desire I ended up being sad as hell again.

2 days ago, I thought I would have my period as it was the scheduled day it should arrive but it didn’t so I prayed and cried to God letting him know that I cant handle the pain anymore, the monthly cycle of hoping and losing and hurting. I asked him that if I am not yet pregnant for this cycle, please just let my period arrive that day so no more hope could be added as pain and frustations as well in the end if Im not pregnant.

Why ? why do you have to be late? why? 

April 29 2013 Infertility blues journey

April 29 2013

It has been over two months now when I last blogged here and share some of the low experiences of our lives due to infertility. 

As what Ive said on my past blog, we are heading to philippines to take it easy and enjoy rather that strictly work hard everyday, thus we are now here - relaxing, enjoying, eating and ofcourse enabling some more justifications on why we are not yet to conceive and how to make a baby as soon as we find more reasons why. 

Suprisingly, after a yearlong of heavy treatments and tests done in the states, there was a new one that we just found out here in the philippines and that was the sperm dna fragmentation test. After we came home here, my aunt decided to bring us to a faith healer so we could be healed and hopefully get pregnant naturally., of course, we hoped, we prayed, we held on our faith more stronger because in our minds God was still and will always be the giver of life so we gave it a chance. Hoping that it would give a miracle but my period came last month as expected (no regrets) and so we tried to go to a doctor to give us some more help and that was when he told peng to do the test.

We did a few research in the internet and found out that most of mens infertility issues was due to high levels of dna fragmentation and it said there and anywhere from 25 to greater than 30% would give you poor quality fertility, that also explained why our ivf cycle failed because pengs first test was marked 32%. Again, we were devastated and down to our knees. 

The doctor said that gluthation iv could help lesses the fragmentations and could also help me become more fertile so it was a necessity for us to have the shot every week for 4 weeks.

Peng did the test again lastweek as the nurse said they have to redo it for the new machine they have just for certainty and the result came down to 19%! Great news of course!

Now that our problem is slowly improving another new hope was brought into us again. We just hope that soon enough we would know that we’re finally pregnant..

for now, we are still patiently waiting just like what we did the past year and months :(

February 18 2013 On moving on and making changes

2/18/13

I have to start by a quote from Henri Burgson “To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” At some point in our lives we are forced to make major changes whether we like it or not in order to grow, to expand and to prosper into a better, stronger and more mature person.

After experiencing painful consequences caused by infertility, me and peng decided to make some drastic changes in our lives and that is to entirely move on, quit our jobs, and take a break and fly back to philippines and stay there indefinitely. It was a big deal to consider but we both knew that was the most helpful way we could cope.

I have to say that working here in the states brought us good and stable life as married couple, it indeed helped us get almost everything we need and want (be it life’s necessity or just useless things that entices us) but after feeling it all, there is something big lacking and that is our longing to be parents and to have our own child-  and unluckily, life was unfair to us on that part as we were unfortunate to conceive on our own and even with the help of medical intervention such us IUI and IVF.

And that was too much to handle already.

What’s the use of earning and saving money for something you dont have any idea if it would still happen or not?

We’ve lived the good life but good life without a child isnt worth it anymore.

Today I am here at work typing whatever is in my mind. Actually it is more on the bitter sweet side as I will also be missing some people here at work that was been so good to me. Today is monday and my last day here at work would be on wed. How time flies. but yes, we have to make some changes not just to grow and mature but also to heal and recover from pain.

I will forever be bringing with me all the memories that this work (mostly it really is my coworkers that I appreciated) has brought in my life and will keep it in my heart.

I have to move on. I have to make a change, I have to grow some more and most of all I have to heal my wounded heart.

I have to take a picture of my desk as a remembrance because I know that even though I’m already sick and tired of working here, in the very corner of my heart I will miss this place (will surely miss) this little nook/workplace as I’ve been sited here for almost 3 years now; working, learning, surfing the internet, watching movies and videos and yes, writing my personal blog etc etc. This desk and computer was a witness of my growing curiosity and adaptability to minor changes in life. I am feeling a little sentimental that I would soon leave but as what I’ve said, changes should be taken. So at long last, here I am taking a mental note of this very hour so that I could never forget how this nook exhausted and comforted me all at the same time.
 

January 30 2013 Moving on...

1/30/2013

On my last blog, I’ve written that we had a negative home pregnancy test and after that day I had a blood test in my doctor’s clinic and it also confirmed that the results was really negative.

We were so down we cant explain the pain.

In the middle of our ivf treatment, me and peng talked about having a backup plan if the cycle would unfortunately fail - merely because we could already envision how hurt would we be if that happens. We knew that after a year long of trying and in the end just being disappointed and hurt, we knew we couldnt handle a failed IVF cycle if it happens - we couldnt function anymore.

In the verge of our thoughts, I suggested we go back to philippines if the ivf cycle failed as I was already getting sick of the life here in the states; Dragging myself every single day to work and going home tired and bored and feeling useless as a person. I never dreamt of living here. I stayed for the thought that we could easily save for our future family but since it’s not happening as planned, I thought of deciding to walk away from what’s stressing me and to detach our lives in this routine. I figured, what’s the sense of saving for something that is unlikely to happen? life is too short to waste and I hope moving back to philippines would remove the stress these issues are bringing in our lives.

So, after knowing that our treatment was a failure, I wasnt able to imagine that we could continue our lives here. As me and peng cried for the hundredth time it weakens us already, we already knew what to do.

Now were movin on to our new lives. packing up all our stuff to destress and relax and to just be free (indefinitely ofcourse)

We’re hoping we could still have a child of our own.

Trusting and having faith in God.

January 23 2013 Negative

1/23/2013

Today, we found out that our very first ivf cycle failed.

Another negative pregnancy test to deal with and my first ever blood test to slap me with negative result as well.

I never thought this would happen in my life.

I am still bottled up as I am here at work trying not to cry but despite the effort, I couldnt help myself and  ended up crying here in my desk.

One of my coworker asked me and I told him what happened and he hugged me and told me that he’s kinda been here (his son died last year) He told me to have faith in God and he has plans for us.

I agree.

I talked to God, I told him if he doesnt want us to have our own child now can he atleast let me know the reason why. even just an Idea, so I could cope.

I hope I could stand the pain. It’s unbearable. almost all of our savings are now gone.

I am emotionally drained.

January 21 2013 8DP3DT NEGATIVE

Believe me, This took me a lot of courage and strength to finally be able to write here and share our infertility journey as for our very first ivf cycle we’ve undergone.

Today I tested and got a negative. My hopes crushed before me even though we still have a little bit of chance that it may be too early and we would still have a positive, I think I’m considering this over. Sad to say, but we’ve been through a lot of disappointments and negatives so to be on the safer side, might as well expect the worst.

Nothing’s worse than seeing a negative test after you’ve spent thousands of dollars, having been overabused by side effects of all the medications and shots your body painfully experience and hoping that maybe this time around it would work (considering the aggresive treatment) and that all of the sacrifices, money, efforts, office visits and painful bloodworks are worth it.

At this stage of our cycle we are already emotionally, spriritually, physically, financially drained.

Having been through the struggle of infertility hurts already but having to add all the inetrventions and efforts and still no positive outcome is triple the pain.

On the detailed note, I have to share my emotions before doing ivf as it was one of the most mind turning events I’ve felt in my life; At first, I was scared as hell thinking that we are conflicting God’s plan for us by giving us our very own child the natural way. I was concerned with commiting this treatment because I wasnt comfortable with the whole process at all to begin with. Considering my faith and my Catholic beliefs, I never thought in my life that I would not be a mother and that we would be having infertility problems. To top it all off, I thought It wasnt morally acceptable to consider ivf to have our own child and all of a sudden all of my thoughts were right- I googled many times about the issues of ivf and the Catholic church/community and how they are against with the act itself.

I knew that It was a spiritual struggle that I have to overcome asap. I cried, I prayed to God, read books about infertility and contemplated on majority of ill people on earth diagnosed with a life ending disease who prevents, fights and battle it only to be having longer satisfying lives after all the medical interventions when in fact, if they didnt do a thing they could all be dead. Brutal as it may sound but it is the truth.

Infertility is just about the same in my opinion. Yes, It is not a life threathing disease but, it is a disease that doesnt complete the meaning of your life through having your own children.

IVF is not 100% effective- rather, it increases the odds to make a child with the help of doctors/specialists/embryologists and of course your very own eggs and your husband’s sperm. And the rest? it is still up to nature( in my case it is still up to God) if it pursues to a pregnancy or not.

So I figured, if dying people could prevent their disease and be able to live longer, we should also try to battle this disease by the help of Assisted Reproductive Technology.

I realized, if you are placed in a catastrophic situation in your life and the only solution available doesnt pleases you, no matter the opposition of your desires, you would bite it.

So we underwent the treatment with excitement and hope that maybe after more than a year of trying and one failed cycle of IUI this would work.

We reckoned before that maybe, God is just testing our marriage and he is just testing our faith so in the process, we could be stronger both individually and also as married couple.

We thought, more than a year maybe is enough..

We spent our nights praying Novenas. We lit candles, we plead our requests, we asked for strength, we prayed for our ivf cycle to be successful.

and as what I’ve mentioned earlier, ivf doesnt always work. It is still up to our heavenly father- By all means, it is also a gamble.

Now with heavy heart that I am writing here, I honestly couldnt pick up the pieces to understand how these are all part of God’s plan. I am so hurt. This is so painful that we would have to feel how it is to be crushed for the hundredth time again. (I HOPE NOT THOUGH)

I wanted to cling for hope but my strenght isnt viable anymore. I wanted to cry and talk to people who are dealing with this kind of pain so I know we are not alone on this road.

For now, all I could do is accept and live and pray.