Last week was the hardest week in my life. I wast able to write here that last 10/26/12 we did the whole IUI procedure along with me taking clomid and injecting a shot of ovidrel to make ovulation happen in a certain time.
The day of the IUI procedure me and peng are both hopeful that it’ll work. After knowing that I had 3 mature eggs on my right tube and him having a 105 million post wash sperm that they would be injecting in my cervix we thought it was a no brainer, that it coud get me pregnant fast and soon enough because the only problem we had that time was that peng has poor morphology only 8% and the normal should be 14% onwards.
After the procedure, I thought “this could be it” after more than a year of trying naturally, this could get us the wish we’ve been praying for. Little did I know that sometimes, even when the numbers are enough, the science explanations are well ordained and expectations are set up high - We still cant mess up with God.
The 2 week wait was the best hopeful days of my life. every single day I was searching for signs or symptoms, and yes I got few of them on those days but I still ended up with an empty womb.
Ever since I was young, I knew that my faith to God is one of my best asset that I could bash about. I thought that I could accept all challenges from him with ease and comfort. Life for me wasnt perfect but I embraced the imperfections and thank God anyway regardless of the fallbacks and the tears.
I was wrong. After testing a negative pregnancy tests for how many months, I question God, I asked him why me? why would I need to suffer while every girl I know is pregnant and happy? why did my sister have to be pregnant with her second child naturally and unintentionally and I still ended up un-pregnant despite the assisted medical conception we just had.
Why on earth does these have to happen?
All the months I prayed and wish, sometimes, I have to admit that I stopped praying because I thought it will just lead me to more disappointments. the last months of trying and trying and trying and getting the same negative results, I was convinced with my mothers reply to me when I told her that its still negative after the IUI “we (me and peng) are both being tested by God”
and with a little understanding and so much pain I convinced myself that this was the biggest test I had have in my entire life.
That night, instead of praying to have our own child, I asked for strength to accept that I am being tested. I asked for patience that I could pass this test and that I could overcome this struggle. I asked for love from him so I could look at life in a brighter way.
It didnt came fast- I meant the answers to my prayers didnt came fast because after that I was still so depressed I didnt know what to do.
Until I read I purchased a book about infertiliy called: “Every Drunken cheerleader. Why not me?”
I dont want to write and summarize the book here but I could say that it brought a lot of understanding in my life. I realized that it wasnt just me that’s suffering with infertility. the book advised to write a journal about the pain so I could have some help on venting out because with this situation, most of the time, Isolation and depression is the major struggle and that the reason why it reminded me to write these feelings here again.
It thought me that life is still full of wonderful hope and that sometimes, all we could do is leave it all to God.
I now accept that God is just molding me to a more stronger person in able to face motherhood with so much preparation and lessons.
I still dont know why on earth did he pick me, but I know that this reason has some better outcomes in the end because after all, I do believe in God not just in good times but also in drying times like this.
<3
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