Dear Father God,
I just want to pour my gratitude and Thank you in paper. I know these emotions could never be erased in my heart but for what its worth, I still want to remember every little detail of how blessed I feel by your miracle that you provided for us ~ OUR PRECIOUS BABY BOY!~
I am still dazed and so super thankful. (You know how I always whisper "thank you" to you every time I feel my baby kick, move and whenever I remember the sad times of our lives caused by infertility...
I dont know exactly how you want me to repay you for this tremendous blessing all I know is that I want to give back to you by always glorifying your name and by trying to do things that could please you.
For now, I just want to pray for my upcoming labor and delivery that you would guide both me and the baby... Give me strength as you know I have such low tolerance for pain.. Be with me.. peng and our little baby boy and guide us as we embark a new journey of our lives...
I will always be forever thankful.. I am a witness of how great of a father you are by providing this miracle despite our struggle and our infertility BEFORE.
Thank you Lord.. Thank you Father
In jesus name I pray... AMEN
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Hello Third Trimester!
Dec 1 2015
I've been out and about that I forgot to update this blog. I feel bad for not updating as often as I wished to do before.. but oh well, things are more hard to juggle when you're pretty busy with things around you.
Anyhow to start this latest update, I am currently 32 weeks (hate to say this but) I'm really having a hard time dealing with hemorrhoids /never thought it could hurt this much/ but oh well as I've said over and over since the day I got pregnant "I wouldnt change a thing."
hehe but kidding aside, some of my symptoms that are all gone during the second trimester are all coming again with a vengeance! I thought I wouldnt even get loads of stretch marks since I've been so religous in applying oils, lotions and creams but boy I was wrong.. I got them pretty early at 6-7 month! and now that i'm in my 8th month they look horrible! and this is another "oh well" moment for me. hehe Not to end there, my armpits suddenly looked like there was a shadow all the time (if you know what I mean)
...... I feel bad for reporting negative symptoms such as the ones I mentioned earlier but this is reality.. I dont have and need to sugarcoat it because it only means that pregnancy is real and and the fact that I am pregnant and feeling all these beautiful and crazy hormones means that the Lord delivered our prayers.. that miracle is happening in our lives through this growing child inside my womb..., So despite the bad symptoms I still feel the most luckiest and blessed woman in the world to be experiencing this gift called life through pregnancy... specially in our case "natural pregnancy after 4 yrs of infertility".
I've learned to see the beauty in everything and thank the lord for every twists and turns this pregnancy might bring... and as long as this means I'm growing a child from the lord I could tolerate and I could withstand the pain.. My prayer is just strength to overcome all of the pain so I could still be as thankful and blessed regardless..
I always try to give back all the praise and glory to the Lord and whatever it is that's happening with me now, I am still most blessed!!!
I've been out and about that I forgot to update this blog. I feel bad for not updating as often as I wished to do before.. but oh well, things are more hard to juggle when you're pretty busy with things around you.
Anyhow to start this latest update, I am currently 32 weeks (hate to say this but) I'm really having a hard time dealing with hemorrhoids /never thought it could hurt this much/ but oh well as I've said over and over since the day I got pregnant "I wouldnt change a thing."
hehe but kidding aside, some of my symptoms that are all gone during the second trimester are all coming again with a vengeance! I thought I wouldnt even get loads of stretch marks since I've been so religous in applying oils, lotions and creams but boy I was wrong.. I got them pretty early at 6-7 month! and now that i'm in my 8th month they look horrible! and this is another "oh well" moment for me. hehe Not to end there, my armpits suddenly looked like there was a shadow all the time (if you know what I mean)
...... I feel bad for reporting negative symptoms such as the ones I mentioned earlier but this is reality.. I dont have and need to sugarcoat it because it only means that pregnancy is real and and the fact that I am pregnant and feeling all these beautiful and crazy hormones means that the Lord delivered our prayers.. that miracle is happening in our lives through this growing child inside my womb..., So despite the bad symptoms I still feel the most luckiest and blessed woman in the world to be experiencing this gift called life through pregnancy... specially in our case "natural pregnancy after 4 yrs of infertility".
I've learned to see the beauty in everything and thank the lord for every twists and turns this pregnancy might bring... and as long as this means I'm growing a child from the lord I could tolerate and I could withstand the pain.. My prayer is just strength to overcome all of the pain so I could still be as thankful and blessed regardless..
I always try to give back all the praise and glory to the Lord and whatever it is that's happening with me now, I am still most blessed!!!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
18 - 21 Weeks Bumpdate
Oct 8 2015
***This is a late post as I am already almost 25 weeks pregnant as of now. Just want to post some pics during my 18- 21 weeks :)
***This is a late post as I am already almost 25 weeks pregnant as of now. Just want to post some pics during my 18- 21 weeks :)
(our little muffin at 18 weeks)
( 21 weeks)
According to this scan this little baby looks like the daddy!!! hehehe
There are still days that I cant believe this is happening already :) and whenever I feel the kicks and movements, I am in total ecstasy. I always feel more than blessed! to have this blessing! God really works in mysterious ways! Thank you Father God and Thank you Lord Jesus!
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Update 08.27.15
Here's an update since my last entry which was written I believe about a month ago. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and so much has changed; we're no longer in the philippines and were currently back here in the states = San Francisco, CA!, my tummy is undeniably bigger now than before and our lives make more sense now that its all coming together...
I have to write that there are still those vivid days that I still cant believe it, that God afterall that weve been through, still gave his promise to us that makes this baby inside my tummy a miracle....
This pregnancy I could say is my greatest journey of faith with the Lord... Everyday is a new day.. Every chance I get to hold and rub my tummy is a miracle I get to do and I feel so blessed and thankful.. Everyday I offer myself to the Lord and thank him for these wonderful things he gave and is continue giving me....
I dont know what else to write hehehe. my mind is blank. my husband is on a job interview. my dog is playing in the backyard.
let me just post pics of myself and my bump at 17 & 18 weeks pregnant to summarize this entry:)
I have to write that there are still those vivid days that I still cant believe it, that God afterall that weve been through, still gave his promise to us that makes this baby inside my tummy a miracle....
This pregnancy I could say is my greatest journey of faith with the Lord... Everyday is a new day.. Every chance I get to hold and rub my tummy is a miracle I get to do and I feel so blessed and thankful.. Everyday I offer myself to the Lord and thank him for these wonderful things he gave and is continue giving me....
I dont know what else to write hehehe. my mind is blank. my husband is on a job interview. my dog is playing in the backyard.
let me just post pics of myself and my bump at 17 & 18 weeks pregnant to summarize this entry:)
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
12 weeks belly bump and ultrasound picture :)
Thank You Lord Jesus!
Our baby Muffin is moving and stretching during the ultrasound. I couldn't be more happy and proud! I'm finally a mom!
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Sunday, June 28, 2015
My 28th bday
June 28 2015
It's my birthday today. I'm 28 already. I never thought this could be the greatest bday so far as the 1 thing I've been wishing is already granted by God:)
I'm having a baby! Thank you father God for this amazing miracle.
I'm currently 10 weeks and 4 days now! We had an ultrasound last week and we saw our little Muffin moving and waving at us already! We also heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was surreal! Heart rate of 171 bpm.
What a precious gift :)
I also received a very special and useful gift today from my husband :)
It's my birthday today. I'm 28 already. I never thought this could be the greatest bday so far as the 1 thing I've been wishing is already granted by God:)
I'm having a baby! Thank you father God for this amazing miracle.
I'm currently 10 weeks and 4 days now! We had an ultrasound last week and we saw our little Muffin moving and waving at us already! We also heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was surreal! Heart rate of 171 bpm.
What a precious gift :)
I will be forever thankful to my Lord and savior for giving me the opportunity to "finally" be a mother.
I will rejoice and praise your holy name oh Lord! Thank you to the moon and back :)
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
hairy belly and stretch mark prevention
I'm 9 weeks 2 days today and for some reason I've been seeing my belly being so hairy since around 6 weeks.. looks funny :)
Also started to apply stretch mark cream since 6 weeks in full hopes of not getting any :)
Also started to apply stretch mark cream since 6 weeks in full hopes of not getting any :)
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
6 & 8 Week Ultrasound/ Pregnancy Update :)
With a heart rate of 124 bpm :)
With a heart rate of 173 bpm :)
Symptoms:
*Morning sickness kicked in somewhere at 5 weeks and up to now it is what I call "All day" sickness. Although there are days that I feel surprisingly well (that makes me worry if I'm still pregnant or not. :/ )
*Sensitive to smell. Specially whenever someone is cooking or sauteing garlic & onions (makes me want to gag).
*Super heavy and tender breasts
*Peeing Often than usual specially at night
*Appetite depends on a day to day basis.. I dont crave certain food it just depends on my mood everyday
*Lack of energy (Not wanting to glam up and put some makeup everytime we go out. oh no! )
Starting Weight at 4 weeks pregnant : 92.4 lbs
My Greatest Testimony: I'm Finally Pregnant
Matthew 17:20
20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "
I was 23 when I married the man God provided specially for me - Peng. I thought our future would just be like the norm; Get married, Have Kids and Build a family.
Ever since I was young I knew in my mind that what I wanted to be when I grow up is to be a Mom... I have strong likeness of taking care of children and babies.. I knew in my heart that time "in the future" would come.. I was not like most of the other little girls who dreamed of their wedding day in their most beautiful cinderella gown... instead, I dreamed of building a family of my own.. to love my children and take care of my family until I grow old..
If you were to grade my dream I bet you would say that it is one of the easiest dreams to attain since it is really the nature of the world...nature of a woman- to bear and give birth to a child or children of their own..
But in my case.. It was the other way around.
We've been trying to conceive for 4 years.. Of course at first, we tried on our own or what you would call "the natural way" but after months of still getting my period I had a hunch something is wrong so we both did a test; HSG for me to test if my tubes are open and luckily got a good result because they found out that both my tubes are open and on the other hand, Sperm Analysis for my husband that resulted in low count for him.. after that, We knew that the problem was his sperm so doctor prescribed vitamins to increase the count...
After changing our lifestyle and after a few months of still getting negatives.. my husband did another analysis which came back with better and normal results.. so we questioned ourselves what could be wrong this time?
after months and months of heartache and frustrations and after talking to several doctors they diagnosed us with "unexplained infertility" it states that you cant and wont get pregnant naturally without any reasons in a minimum span of a year..
After knowing that we had unexplained infertility, we still tried to underwent 1 treatment of IUI (intra uterine Insemination) and 1 Mini IVF (in Vitro Fertilization) in the states that resulted with depressing NEGATIVE results.
And we questioned ourselves "why"? I questioned God "why me"?
We lived under that painful title of infertility for as long as I could remember.. It was hard not knowing what the culprit is.. so after our first negative attempt with in vitro I got so depressed and decided to leave my work in the states and stay in the philippines for further treatments since it is much cheaper - and besides, infertility insurance is not covered by our insurance in the companies were working with.
It was the toughest, hardest, most brutal and darkest moments of my life...
We came back to our hometown (the philippines) and did multiple tests... I did Laparoscopy surgery to thoroughly check my uterus and what could be causing the problem... In the end, doctor found out I have endometriosis and that my fimbrias or the ones in the ends of my fallopian tubes are narrowed and distorted - hence it could not catch an egg everytime I ovulate.. so that pretty much summed up why I cant get pregnant naturally.
The doctor told me that despite the situation of my fimbrias, he tried to dilate and make it normal for me during the procedure and that we should first try to do another IUI first before proceeding to another round of IVF to save money if it works (and so we did).. we agreed and did what the doctor suggested even though doctor is not as optimistic as we hoped he is... and of course the result of that? is a negative again...
Several doctors told us its impossible for me to get pregnant naturally or that I just have a very low chance of conceiving naturally..it was the most painful part of my life..
I was devastated. I cried and slowly tell the Lord how unfair my life is.. why are we undergoing such problem.. of course despite the pain, I remained strong.. I tried to be strong because if I cant.. I dont think my life would still make sense..
After that, We did IVF again.. failed... again..
Around this time, my faith was getting weaker.. I was not admitting it but truly inside my heart I was a little mad at the Lord...
Before proceeding with our 2nd attempt at IVF or frozen embryo transfer we did some Immune testing.. APAS.. LAT.. things like that.. of course, without a doubt, theres another abnormal results in my tests.. It says that I have elevated killer cells and that my immune system is not taking any embryo and its not allowing it to implant to my uterus or not making any possible pregnancy viable...
I have to say that I was glad that time that I took that tests.... Because through those tests I found an answer.. and through those answers we could find a solution... and the solution in that case means blood transfusion of my husband's blood to my system so my body would be familiarized with his blood.. it was a costly procedure and we didnt just have to do it one time but several times...more on like 7 times if I remember it correctly...
After the treatments, we were ecstatic that my immune results came back normal.. I am good to go for our second IVF!!! I thought that was the only thing that's hindering our chances of getting a positive result..
We transfered 3 frozen embryos.... considering my age I was 27 that time, doctor kept on telling me I need to just transfer 1 or 2 because he tells us that there's a high chance I might end up with triplets...
and guess what? after all those treatments and after putting in 3 perfectly fine blastocysts I end up not getting pregnant - again. -
WHAT A SHAME!
After that one last try... one last time, I told my husband that I've had it..that its enough.. that we should just adopt when the time is right... at first he was not that comfortable yet with adoption but as time passes without us having a child of our own he ends up agreeing with the adoption in 2 or 3 years time.
It was also after that failed IVF that I've gotten more closer to God, we attended sunday services in CCF and always learned something from it so as time passes, my emotional wound is also healing as well.. I realized that the Lord was healing my heart... that my life is not supposed to be lived by my own terms and actions but it should be lived only for the Lord my God who died in the cross to save my sins.. I've learned that I am here on earth because I am a child of God not vice versa and that I should be living for me... trying to make him happy with who he intends me to be... I've learned to praise the Lord through the darkest moments of my life.. I've learned to respect his decisions and choices for my life... that he is the creator of my life not myself or not just any other doctors in this world... so I've learned to surrender the things I cannot control and gave it all to God...
I still pray and ask for him to grant the desires of our hearts which is to have a baby but I dont get sad or depressed if I still get my monthly period anymore.. Ok, I still feel a little sad but it's totally manageable than how I used to feel before...
I was praying for him to give us a child which ever way he likes be it through adoption or the natural way.. of course I was begging to have our biological child but I know I will respect whatever he wants to give us....
I had faith that one day in his time I will have my own child....
My heart was already open to love and nurture an adopted child... I was also anticipating to have our own but I knew that that would take a very very long time if it happens one day...
Little did I know that God was with me all along... he held my heart... took away most of my worries and fears... Just when I was living the way God wants me to live.. He finally... surprisingly.. gave us the desires of our hearts..
God can do all thing possible if you believe! And I'm glad that I believed.. even though I admit that I lost track in the beginning, I still held onto him stronger.. I praised and worshipped him more and here I am.. blessed and pregnant...
Despite what the doctors say that I cannot get pregnant naturally, I did - through God's help.. It is only by Gods grace that I am blessed with a child we would be able to call our own :)
I am 9 weeks pregnant today :)
To God be all the glory and praise!
20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "
I was 23 when I married the man God provided specially for me - Peng. I thought our future would just be like the norm; Get married, Have Kids and Build a family.
Ever since I was young I knew in my mind that what I wanted to be when I grow up is to be a Mom... I have strong likeness of taking care of children and babies.. I knew in my heart that time "in the future" would come.. I was not like most of the other little girls who dreamed of their wedding day in their most beautiful cinderella gown... instead, I dreamed of building a family of my own.. to love my children and take care of my family until I grow old..
If you were to grade my dream I bet you would say that it is one of the easiest dreams to attain since it is really the nature of the world...nature of a woman- to bear and give birth to a child or children of their own..
But in my case.. It was the other way around.
We've been trying to conceive for 4 years.. Of course at first, we tried on our own or what you would call "the natural way" but after months of still getting my period I had a hunch something is wrong so we both did a test; HSG for me to test if my tubes are open and luckily got a good result because they found out that both my tubes are open and on the other hand, Sperm Analysis for my husband that resulted in low count for him.. after that, We knew that the problem was his sperm so doctor prescribed vitamins to increase the count...
After changing our lifestyle and after a few months of still getting negatives.. my husband did another analysis which came back with better and normal results.. so we questioned ourselves what could be wrong this time?
after months and months of heartache and frustrations and after talking to several doctors they diagnosed us with "unexplained infertility" it states that you cant and wont get pregnant naturally without any reasons in a minimum span of a year..
After knowing that we had unexplained infertility, we still tried to underwent 1 treatment of IUI (intra uterine Insemination) and 1 Mini IVF (in Vitro Fertilization) in the states that resulted with depressing NEGATIVE results.
And we questioned ourselves "why"? I questioned God "why me"?
We lived under that painful title of infertility for as long as I could remember.. It was hard not knowing what the culprit is.. so after our first negative attempt with in vitro I got so depressed and decided to leave my work in the states and stay in the philippines for further treatments since it is much cheaper - and besides, infertility insurance is not covered by our insurance in the companies were working with.
It was the toughest, hardest, most brutal and darkest moments of my life...
We came back to our hometown (the philippines) and did multiple tests... I did Laparoscopy surgery to thoroughly check my uterus and what could be causing the problem... In the end, doctor found out I have endometriosis and that my fimbrias or the ones in the ends of my fallopian tubes are narrowed and distorted - hence it could not catch an egg everytime I ovulate.. so that pretty much summed up why I cant get pregnant naturally.
The doctor told me that despite the situation of my fimbrias, he tried to dilate and make it normal for me during the procedure and that we should first try to do another IUI first before proceeding to another round of IVF to save money if it works (and so we did).. we agreed and did what the doctor suggested even though doctor is not as optimistic as we hoped he is... and of course the result of that? is a negative again...
Several doctors told us its impossible for me to get pregnant naturally or that I just have a very low chance of conceiving naturally..it was the most painful part of my life..
I was devastated. I cried and slowly tell the Lord how unfair my life is.. why are we undergoing such problem.. of course despite the pain, I remained strong.. I tried to be strong because if I cant.. I dont think my life would still make sense..
After that, We did IVF again.. failed... again..
Around this time, my faith was getting weaker.. I was not admitting it but truly inside my heart I was a little mad at the Lord...
Before proceeding with our 2nd attempt at IVF or frozen embryo transfer we did some Immune testing.. APAS.. LAT.. things like that.. of course, without a doubt, theres another abnormal results in my tests.. It says that I have elevated killer cells and that my immune system is not taking any embryo and its not allowing it to implant to my uterus or not making any possible pregnancy viable...
I have to say that I was glad that time that I took that tests.... Because through those tests I found an answer.. and through those answers we could find a solution... and the solution in that case means blood transfusion of my husband's blood to my system so my body would be familiarized with his blood.. it was a costly procedure and we didnt just have to do it one time but several times...more on like 7 times if I remember it correctly...
After the treatments, we were ecstatic that my immune results came back normal.. I am good to go for our second IVF!!! I thought that was the only thing that's hindering our chances of getting a positive result..
We transfered 3 frozen embryos.... considering my age I was 27 that time, doctor kept on telling me I need to just transfer 1 or 2 because he tells us that there's a high chance I might end up with triplets...
and guess what? after all those treatments and after putting in 3 perfectly fine blastocysts I end up not getting pregnant - again. -
WHAT A SHAME!
After that one last try... one last time, I told my husband that I've had it..that its enough.. that we should just adopt when the time is right... at first he was not that comfortable yet with adoption but as time passes without us having a child of our own he ends up agreeing with the adoption in 2 or 3 years time.
It was also after that failed IVF that I've gotten more closer to God, we attended sunday services in CCF and always learned something from it so as time passes, my emotional wound is also healing as well.. I realized that the Lord was healing my heart... that my life is not supposed to be lived by my own terms and actions but it should be lived only for the Lord my God who died in the cross to save my sins.. I've learned that I am here on earth because I am a child of God not vice versa and that I should be living for me... trying to make him happy with who he intends me to be... I've learned to praise the Lord through the darkest moments of my life.. I've learned to respect his decisions and choices for my life... that he is the creator of my life not myself or not just any other doctors in this world... so I've learned to surrender the things I cannot control and gave it all to God...
I still pray and ask for him to grant the desires of our hearts which is to have a baby but I dont get sad or depressed if I still get my monthly period anymore.. Ok, I still feel a little sad but it's totally manageable than how I used to feel before...
I was praying for him to give us a child which ever way he likes be it through adoption or the natural way.. of course I was begging to have our biological child but I know I will respect whatever he wants to give us....
I had faith that one day in his time I will have my own child....
My heart was already open to love and nurture an adopted child... I was also anticipating to have our own but I knew that that would take a very very long time if it happens one day...
Little did I know that God was with me all along... he held my heart... took away most of my worries and fears... Just when I was living the way God wants me to live.. He finally... surprisingly.. gave us the desires of our hearts..
God can do all thing possible if you believe! And I'm glad that I believed.. even though I admit that I lost track in the beginning, I still held onto him stronger.. I praised and worshipped him more and here I am.. blessed and pregnant...
Despite what the doctors say that I cannot get pregnant naturally, I did - through God's help.. It is only by Gods grace that I am blessed with a child we would be able to call our own :)
I am 9 weeks pregnant today :)
To God be all the glory and praise!
Monday, May 18, 2015
The day I found out I'm Finally Pregnant! THANK YOU LORD!
May 18 2015
I've been meaning to visit this blog and reminisce all those moments in the last 4 years of my infertility struggles so I could recollect and remind myself of the experiences I've been through and where I am now.. BLESSED & Finally PREGNANT!.. but before I start, I want to share with you how much I've dreamed of this very moment that I would finally be writing an entry not about hurt and frustration caused by infertility but about the JOY & COMPLETENESS this pregnancy has instantly brought into my life.. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE. I've been wanting to write this piece and it took me a few days to finally sit down with focused mind and calm thoughts just to justify in words every emotion; joy, amazement, appreciation, fullness, admiration to my Lord and Savior, disbelief, astonishment and all the great and wonderful words I forgot to put here..
Here goes:
It was May 12 of 2015
A beautiful tuesday indeed, well for me it is.. I was preparing myself for a minor cosmetic surgery called "Blepharoplasty" - to remove some of excess fats on my upper eyelids as I have droopy and hooded eyelids and would want them to look more youthful & bigger.. I was excited that day and also nervous as I did not know exactly what to expect.. The nurse from Belo (The clinic I have an appointment with) texted and reminded me that I need to fast and that last meal should be before 11:00AM (meaning, no solids and water after that) so what I did was I ate heavy breakfast at around 10:00AM drunk as much water as I can before I reach the 11:00AM mark and just waited and left the house at 3:30PM for my scheduled 5:00 PM procedure...
As soon as I arrived in the clinic.. My Husband Peng drove me and just parked outside to wait for me as it wouldn't take that long.. estimate time of the procedure is just an hour to an hour and a half all in all...
So I got there.. sat and waited for my name to be called..
As i entered the procedure room, the nurse talked about the procedure and had me sign and fill some of the informations needed before the procedure..and the last question she asked was "when was your last period?" I instantly answered "I cant remember anymore" and I took my phone out from my bag just to check if I've recorded it but for some odd reason I couldnt see where I tracked it.. after moments of uncertainty, the nurse told me that its ok.. That she'll just give me a pregnancy test to make sure.. I was thinking in my mind "the test alone might have additional charge just to give me an insult that I am not pregnant again.." so after that messy thought, I told her to give me a minute to look on my phone because I was quiet sure I recorded it and was also quiet sure that I'm definitely not pregnant.. but after several seconds I still can't find it so I gave in to the idea of testing with a urine test.. she gave me a robe to put over my clothes, socks, advised for me to wash my face and gave me a clear container to collect my urine and she lead me to the rest room..
So as demanded, I did what I was told to do, left my urine in the rest room and got back to the procedure room... after a few seconds/minutes the nurse came in with the pregnancy test.. she handed it to me so I could sign the back of it just to make sure I saw that it was "negative" as what I've always expected.. and that we could proceed... I even blurted a joke to the nurse and said "magugulat nalang ako kung mag positive yan dahil 4 yrs na kami nag try lahat ginawa na namin.. pero wala talaga" (I would be surprised if that test would turn out positive as we've been trying for 4 yrs and did everything we could but still ended up with nothing) and I could remember how the nurse looked at me with empathy and just replied with "aww... ganun po ba?" (aww.. is that so?) and I told her yes.. that I've undergone so much infertility treatments and procedures.. and this time I wanted to do this procedure for myself and that I'm so excited and nervous! haha..
after the conversation, I saw the nurse going back to the table where she placed the "negative" pregnancy test I just signed earlier and staring at it for a few seconds.. she excused herself for a while and got out of the room..
I had a hunch.. It was not a very clear memory but I could recall that right after I signed the pregnancy test and gave it back to the nurse I vaguely saw that there's a faint second line.. but didn't mind as for the past 4 years.. we didn't ever experience seeing that second line.. faint or dark... so I assumed I'm just hallucinating..
After a few minutes, the nurse got back again and approached me with a smile she's controlling to show.. "Ma'am, do you mind testing again? because there is a second line."
Oh my gosh!!!! imagine how I felt? I instantly replied "joke ba yan? baka sa iba yan!" (is that a joke? that might be someone else's) and she told me that its mine..
To be honest.. I didnt know what to feel.. I was not believing it that time but I was so hoping that it's true.. excited for it to be true.... She gave me another test and a cup of water to drink and asked if I could do it again... I was dumbfounded and couldnt think clear.. I messaged my husband who has been waiting outside and told him I might not do the procedure today.. The nurse demanded for one more test.. I told her how we never ever saw positive tests for the hard 4 years of our trying to conceive journey so I still cant believe that it might be true..
I went in the rest room again and collected my urine.. the nurse on the other hand was waiting for me to finish and told me to just wait in the procedure room... so I did.. those minutes that I was stuck alone in that room was a moment for me to talk to God.. recall the moments.. asked the lord if whats happening is real.. I prayed.. prayed harder and prayed even harder again.. I was not fully believing it yet.. I was just happy to see that second line.. It has been a dream for years that's been instantly granted...
and while waiting.. i heard the nurses from outside the room clapping their hands and cheering.. I thought "is that because of a positive again?" but I also thought it maybe because of other reasons.. so I'm back alone waiting again...
the nurse entered and approached me.. she was smiling.. "ma'am there is a second line again."
and suddenly my world stopped.
As soon as I got back in the car again, while my husband is doing something on his laptop, I told him I have to resched.. he was confused and asked why.. i told him I got scared.. which annoyed him as I saw it on his face.. hehe and then i slowly took the 2 positive tests inside my bag and handed it to him..
Just like me.. he was out of himself.. teary eyed .. hugged me tight and asked me the same question I asked myself "how did it happen"?
------------------
the next thing we know is while on the middle of the road, I played our song for our future baby the only song we dedicated for him/her years ago.. every word is intentionally dedicated for him/her.. just like it is really written for us..for our baby.. :) Thousand Years - Christina Perry
I'm currently 4 weeks and 5 days today :)
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
I've been meaning to visit this blog and reminisce all those moments in the last 4 years of my infertility struggles so I could recollect and remind myself of the experiences I've been through and where I am now.. BLESSED & Finally PREGNANT!.. but before I start, I want to share with you how much I've dreamed of this very moment that I would finally be writing an entry not about hurt and frustration caused by infertility but about the JOY & COMPLETENESS this pregnancy has instantly brought into my life.. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE. I've been wanting to write this piece and it took me a few days to finally sit down with focused mind and calm thoughts just to justify in words every emotion; joy, amazement, appreciation, fullness, admiration to my Lord and Savior, disbelief, astonishment and all the great and wonderful words I forgot to put here..
Here goes:
It was May 12 of 2015
A beautiful tuesday indeed, well for me it is.. I was preparing myself for a minor cosmetic surgery called "Blepharoplasty" - to remove some of excess fats on my upper eyelids as I have droopy and hooded eyelids and would want them to look more youthful & bigger.. I was excited that day and also nervous as I did not know exactly what to expect.. The nurse from Belo (The clinic I have an appointment with) texted and reminded me that I need to fast and that last meal should be before 11:00AM (meaning, no solids and water after that) so what I did was I ate heavy breakfast at around 10:00AM drunk as much water as I can before I reach the 11:00AM mark and just waited and left the house at 3:30PM for my scheduled 5:00 PM procedure...
As soon as I arrived in the clinic.. My Husband Peng drove me and just parked outside to wait for me as it wouldn't take that long.. estimate time of the procedure is just an hour to an hour and a half all in all...
So I got there.. sat and waited for my name to be called..
As i entered the procedure room, the nurse talked about the procedure and had me sign and fill some of the informations needed before the procedure..and the last question she asked was "when was your last period?" I instantly answered "I cant remember anymore" and I took my phone out from my bag just to check if I've recorded it but for some odd reason I couldnt see where I tracked it.. after moments of uncertainty, the nurse told me that its ok.. That she'll just give me a pregnancy test to make sure.. I was thinking in my mind "the test alone might have additional charge just to give me an insult that I am not pregnant again.." so after that messy thought, I told her to give me a minute to look on my phone because I was quiet sure I recorded it and was also quiet sure that I'm definitely not pregnant.. but after several seconds I still can't find it so I gave in to the idea of testing with a urine test.. she gave me a robe to put over my clothes, socks, advised for me to wash my face and gave me a clear container to collect my urine and she lead me to the rest room..
So as demanded, I did what I was told to do, left my urine in the rest room and got back to the procedure room... after a few seconds/minutes the nurse came in with the pregnancy test.. she handed it to me so I could sign the back of it just to make sure I saw that it was "negative" as what I've always expected.. and that we could proceed... I even blurted a joke to the nurse and said "magugulat nalang ako kung mag positive yan dahil 4 yrs na kami nag try lahat ginawa na namin.. pero wala talaga" (I would be surprised if that test would turn out positive as we've been trying for 4 yrs and did everything we could but still ended up with nothing) and I could remember how the nurse looked at me with empathy and just replied with "aww... ganun po ba?" (aww.. is that so?) and I told her yes.. that I've undergone so much infertility treatments and procedures.. and this time I wanted to do this procedure for myself and that I'm so excited and nervous! haha..
after the conversation, I saw the nurse going back to the table where she placed the "negative" pregnancy test I just signed earlier and staring at it for a few seconds.. she excused herself for a while and got out of the room..
I had a hunch.. It was not a very clear memory but I could recall that right after I signed the pregnancy test and gave it back to the nurse I vaguely saw that there's a faint second line.. but didn't mind as for the past 4 years.. we didn't ever experience seeing that second line.. faint or dark... so I assumed I'm just hallucinating..
After a few minutes, the nurse got back again and approached me with a smile she's controlling to show.. "Ma'am, do you mind testing again? because there is a second line."
Oh my gosh!!!! imagine how I felt? I instantly replied "joke ba yan? baka sa iba yan!" (is that a joke? that might be someone else's) and she told me that its mine..
To be honest.. I didnt know what to feel.. I was not believing it that time but I was so hoping that it's true.. excited for it to be true.... She gave me another test and a cup of water to drink and asked if I could do it again... I was dumbfounded and couldnt think clear.. I messaged my husband who has been waiting outside and told him I might not do the procedure today.. The nurse demanded for one more test.. I told her how we never ever saw positive tests for the hard 4 years of our trying to conceive journey so I still cant believe that it might be true..
I went in the rest room again and collected my urine.. the nurse on the other hand was waiting for me to finish and told me to just wait in the procedure room... so I did.. those minutes that I was stuck alone in that room was a moment for me to talk to God.. recall the moments.. asked the lord if whats happening is real.. I prayed.. prayed harder and prayed even harder again.. I was not fully believing it yet.. I was just happy to see that second line.. It has been a dream for years that's been instantly granted...
and while waiting.. i heard the nurses from outside the room clapping their hands and cheering.. I thought "is that because of a positive again?" but I also thought it maybe because of other reasons.. so I'm back alone waiting again...
the nurse entered and approached me.. she was smiling.. "ma'am there is a second line again."
and suddenly my world stopped.
As soon as I got back in the car again, while my husband is doing something on his laptop, I told him I have to resched.. he was confused and asked why.. i told him I got scared.. which annoyed him as I saw it on his face.. hehe and then i slowly took the 2 positive tests inside my bag and handed it to him..
Just like me.. he was out of himself.. teary eyed .. hugged me tight and asked me the same question I asked myself "how did it happen"?
------------------
the next thing we know is while on the middle of the road, I played our song for our future baby the only song we dedicated for him/her years ago.. every word is intentionally dedicated for him/her.. just like it is really written for us..for our baby.. :) Thousand Years - Christina Perry
We are crying nonstop and tears of joy keep running down our cheeks..
THANK YOU LORD... we are giving all the glory and praise to you... 4 years in the making.. You made it possible.. you made it great.. Thank you for answering our prayers.. Praying for a smooth pregnancy and a healthy and normal baby.. I owe this miraculous gift of life to you my God....
will be making a testimony of this great miracle from God on another blog post and how God transformed me from nothing into something...So I hope & pray to begin and end my story to inspire people like me, to record my own thoughts (not that I would ever forget because I wouldn't - ever -) and lastly, to justify God's greatness in our lives.. to bring glory to his name and to lift every praise and worship to no one but him...
But for now.. I will end with these......
To God be all the glory and praise!
I'm currently 4 weeks and 5 days today :)
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
I'm in a TV Commercial!
It's been a while since I last wrote here..
few interesting things have happened to me the past few months and I could say that along with the daily hustles and bustles, here I am.. still the same old person but with whole new experiences..
Speaking about that, I never thought that I would have a TV commercial again.. I did one way back when I was in college and that was just a rapid exposure.. hihihi but 2 months ago, I got in again! I was so proud of myself considering that I am a very shy person.. It was a story of self growth and achievement on my part and let me write it down for memory record..
After I had my mole (on my left cheek) removed, a college schoolmate (who is now my agent) messaged me about opportunities for modeling.. when I still had my mole, some of the people I've talked to in the casting world would tell me that its pretty hard to get a job with a protruding mole in the face as they are very meticulous about choosing their specific talents - but before I go further I just have to lay it here that I didnt get my mole removed just because of that but because I noticed that it was only getting bigger and fatter and I begun to get distracted by it I finally decided its time. hehe
Moving on.. it was on my 3rd month of attending vtrs and final castings (on and off) that I landed that opportunity. in that certain vtr, There are bunch of beautiful talents that I compete with.. I hate to use the word "compete" but I cant think of anything to rationalize any words.. so pardon me. at first, I was so nervous I just told myself to try.. but despite of trying, I knew in my mind that I would not get in again.. because It's kinda obvious that I wasnt that tall.. I wasnt that pretty.. I was just an okay.. compared to the others I saw..
I went home that day with a sigh of relief that despite the outcome, I knew I tried.. and thats the only thing that matters..
after about a week or so, I got a text saying I was included for the final casting.. I wasnt very in shocked as Ive been included to several castings already but I was also excited to know that I was considered again.. and for me, it was enough..
My husband came with me going to the final casting and as soon as we arrived there.. there are again bunch of beautiful talents waiting.. I whispered to my husband that we should leave.. that I wont be able to get the role again.. but it wasnt worthy if we leave.. right? I mean i got that far.. I have to see what ends the journey.. and besides, my agent came along for their support..
and then it was my turn.. they had me act.. did a very "surprised" expression (but looks stupid for me haha ) and played with the "role" they want me to be in.. I thought I did my part..they had me act several times so we did not leave sooner than I thought.. we left the casting place totally unsure of the outcome..
2 days after, my agent called me.. I had a text that I got in! wow!
that was one of my dreams again.. to be in a tv commercial and a print ad. hehe God truly works in mysterious ways sometimes as I had both :) I also modeled for a print ad last January ;0
THEN AGAIN, IM BLESSED :)
few interesting things have happened to me the past few months and I could say that along with the daily hustles and bustles, here I am.. still the same old person but with whole new experiences..
Speaking about that, I never thought that I would have a TV commercial again.. I did one way back when I was in college and that was just a rapid exposure.. hihihi but 2 months ago, I got in again! I was so proud of myself considering that I am a very shy person.. It was a story of self growth and achievement on my part and let me write it down for memory record..
After I had my mole (on my left cheek) removed, a college schoolmate (who is now my agent) messaged me about opportunities for modeling.. when I still had my mole, some of the people I've talked to in the casting world would tell me that its pretty hard to get a job with a protruding mole in the face as they are very meticulous about choosing their specific talents - but before I go further I just have to lay it here that I didnt get my mole removed just because of that but because I noticed that it was only getting bigger and fatter and I begun to get distracted by it I finally decided its time. hehe
Moving on.. it was on my 3rd month of attending vtrs and final castings (on and off) that I landed that opportunity. in that certain vtr, There are bunch of beautiful talents that I compete with.. I hate to use the word "compete" but I cant think of anything to rationalize any words.. so pardon me. at first, I was so nervous I just told myself to try.. but despite of trying, I knew in my mind that I would not get in again.. because It's kinda obvious that I wasnt that tall.. I wasnt that pretty.. I was just an okay.. compared to the others I saw..
I went home that day with a sigh of relief that despite the outcome, I knew I tried.. and thats the only thing that matters..
after about a week or so, I got a text saying I was included for the final casting.. I wasnt very in shocked as Ive been included to several castings already but I was also excited to know that I was considered again.. and for me, it was enough..
My husband came with me going to the final casting and as soon as we arrived there.. there are again bunch of beautiful talents waiting.. I whispered to my husband that we should leave.. that I wont be able to get the role again.. but it wasnt worthy if we leave.. right? I mean i got that far.. I have to see what ends the journey.. and besides, my agent came along for their support..
and then it was my turn.. they had me act.. did a very "surprised" expression (but looks stupid for me haha ) and played with the "role" they want me to be in.. I thought I did my part..they had me act several times so we did not leave sooner than I thought.. we left the casting place totally unsure of the outcome..
2 days after, my agent called me.. I had a text that I got in! wow!
that was one of my dreams again.. to be in a tv commercial and a print ad. hehe God truly works in mysterious ways sometimes as I had both :) I also modeled for a print ad last January ;0
THEN AGAIN, IM BLESSED :)
Monday, January 26, 2015
15 clear things ive learned about infertility and life in between..
I am now at a point in my life where I was able to learn some things I couldnt just learn instantly. Its been 27 years.. and I will almost turn 28 on june.... and now i agree that some things are only learned through time and experiences of my own - regardless of how many people warned and told me about before.
I just want to write it down for emotional record in this blog as this is what I'm currently feeling. I assume there would be more in time and I suppose that some may still change...
but here goes:
1. I've learned that no matter how much hurt I say I feel, and how much I thought I couldnt live a day with going such painful circumstances, I still dont have any choice but to live. to move on. to accept. to embrace the pain and to try my best to squeeze the good juices that would come from it.. In short, I"ve learned that despite my former prediction of "I couldnt take that if it happens to me one day" - I could still can. ( The pain doesnt lessen, but despite of the pain God still gives me the grace to live and take it one day at a time.
2. I've learned that life will not always be fair to everyone. I could point out one person and say "look, he or she is living the perfect life" but no -some people would always think life is unfair despite the greatness they have.. it just depends on measurement I guess.. because I still believe that some are still luckier than some.. and that goes to the generic population in this world.
3. I've learned that with infertility you will feel that you are missing a leg, blind or have cancer or some sort of impairment or serious illness.. but it isnt just as pitiful to some because they cant see the emotional toll one with infertility has to suffer compared to the given illness above.. but the pain? the stress? the abnormality? it is exactly the same.
4. Ive learned that life is simple. as we grow older it just gets more complicated because we want more things in our lives.. material things.. career.. position and such things. but in the end, the most important in life is just family and God..
5. I've learned to surrender to God all the things I cannot control - anymore.. to say to yourself "I cant do this alone".. to let things go.. to give it to the lord and ask for his presence to sustain you all throughout your life.. and that in the midst of the willingness to surrender, you will find inner peace..
6. I've learned that I wasnt born for myself and for other people.. I was born for God. I was born to be bring glory to him in all the things I do.. that my purpose in life isnt to do what I want.. but what God wants in my life.. and by prayer, I could hopefully be guided by his plans for me.
7. I've learned that accepting the painful situation makes me less fragile. it means acknowledging my imperfections.. embracing my weaker spot and eventually becoming a little braver than ever.
8. I've learned to apologize for my mistakes. even if I know that I didnt have one to begin with.. because maybe the other person is just twice as sensitive as me.. so I've learned to be compassionate to others more now..
9. I've learned to think of the lord as much as I can in everything I do. my purpose is to please him.. and yes, there are still a lot of times that I fail.. but that is my goal..
10. I've learned that in this mundane world, I still have to pray.. to find myself, even if i think i know myself - I still don't.. I still have to rely to God to discover more of myself..
11. I've learned to consider other peoples opinion. my parents,.my husband.. my families and friends.. before I was so close minded to what they say because I was so focused with my personal point of views.. but now.. I'm learning the value of considering peoples advice.. ideas.. opinions.. because the world is big.. God doesnt place such people in your life to just pass by but are there for a reason.. and maybe that reason is to listen to them..
12. I've learned that I am still living everyday with an aching heart.. envious for mothers who have children of their own.. and looking closer at myself and say that I can't..
13.. Ive learned that my motherly instincts aren't there for no purpose. even if im infertile, I could still love, offer to care, and give guidance -- maybe through caring and loving another child.. and yes, even if I didnt even think of doing this before.. I could.. my heart could.. because my heart is open to love.. and it could never be close to love.. even through adoption.
14. I've learned that adoption isnt just there to make you the parent you want to be, but it is there majority to give love and care for an abandoned child who deserves all the love in the world.. and by what it means, adoption is a two way thing.. the parent to love a child, and the child to love and be loved in return.
I just want to write it down for emotional record in this blog as this is what I'm currently feeling. I assume there would be more in time and I suppose that some may still change...
but here goes:
1. I've learned that no matter how much hurt I say I feel, and how much I thought I couldnt live a day with going such painful circumstances, I still dont have any choice but to live. to move on. to accept. to embrace the pain and to try my best to squeeze the good juices that would come from it.. In short, I"ve learned that despite my former prediction of "I couldnt take that if it happens to me one day" - I could still can. ( The pain doesnt lessen, but despite of the pain God still gives me the grace to live and take it one day at a time.
2. I've learned that life will not always be fair to everyone. I could point out one person and say "look, he or she is living the perfect life" but no -some people would always think life is unfair despite the greatness they have.. it just depends on measurement I guess.. because I still believe that some are still luckier than some.. and that goes to the generic population in this world.
3. I've learned that with infertility you will feel that you are missing a leg, blind or have cancer or some sort of impairment or serious illness.. but it isnt just as pitiful to some because they cant see the emotional toll one with infertility has to suffer compared to the given illness above.. but the pain? the stress? the abnormality? it is exactly the same.
4. Ive learned that life is simple. as we grow older it just gets more complicated because we want more things in our lives.. material things.. career.. position and such things. but in the end, the most important in life is just family and God..
5. I've learned to surrender to God all the things I cannot control - anymore.. to say to yourself "I cant do this alone".. to let things go.. to give it to the lord and ask for his presence to sustain you all throughout your life.. and that in the midst of the willingness to surrender, you will find inner peace..
6. I've learned that I wasnt born for myself and for other people.. I was born for God. I was born to be bring glory to him in all the things I do.. that my purpose in life isnt to do what I want.. but what God wants in my life.. and by prayer, I could hopefully be guided by his plans for me.
7. I've learned that accepting the painful situation makes me less fragile. it means acknowledging my imperfections.. embracing my weaker spot and eventually becoming a little braver than ever.
8. I've learned to apologize for my mistakes. even if I know that I didnt have one to begin with.. because maybe the other person is just twice as sensitive as me.. so I've learned to be compassionate to others more now..
9. I've learned to think of the lord as much as I can in everything I do. my purpose is to please him.. and yes, there are still a lot of times that I fail.. but that is my goal..
10. I've learned that in this mundane world, I still have to pray.. to find myself, even if i think i know myself - I still don't.. I still have to rely to God to discover more of myself..
11. I've learned to consider other peoples opinion. my parents,.my husband.. my families and friends.. before I was so close minded to what they say because I was so focused with my personal point of views.. but now.. I'm learning the value of considering peoples advice.. ideas.. opinions.. because the world is big.. God doesnt place such people in your life to just pass by but are there for a reason.. and maybe that reason is to listen to them..
12. I've learned that I am still living everyday with an aching heart.. envious for mothers who have children of their own.. and looking closer at myself and say that I can't..
13.. Ive learned that my motherly instincts aren't there for no purpose. even if im infertile, I could still love, offer to care, and give guidance -- maybe through caring and loving another child.. and yes, even if I didnt even think of doing this before.. I could.. my heart could.. because my heart is open to love.. and it could never be close to love.. even through adoption.
14. I've learned that adoption isnt just there to make you the parent you want to be, but it is there majority to give love and care for an abandoned child who deserves all the love in the world.. and by what it means, adoption is a two way thing.. the parent to love a child, and the child to love and be loved in return.
15. and finally, I've learned that if you are capable of becoming who you want to be, with Gods help, you could. just believe. maybe not in the exact way you've planned for, but similarly you could.
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