Only to get hurt.. Disappointed in the end.
This time, I thought this might be it. Our relationship with God strengthen as we pray for our child. God answered most of the signs we prayed for this month its pretty scary more on surreal.. so we placed our faith in him even more because in his signs we thought that meant something. Besides, the iui cycle seemed succesful- I had 3 eggs, peng's count and motility were good numbers, my endo was recently removed thru laparoscopy, we were spiritually fulfilled, God gave us the signs so we knew this was our time.. Or so we thought.
So last night, I was really unprepared. I thought really that our cycle worked because I was starting to feel sleepy during the day, I had a headache yesterday, my boobs never deflated in size after the soreness from the monthly pms (which happens every month), so I was a little confident because somehow I felt the symptoms but to top it all, we knew God was carrying us to our dream this time.
Why? After seeing the spot of blood I cried. My husband cried too. We cried our hearts out.. We don't have words to explain the pain. We were crushed for the nth time. We hoped.. gave our best shot and lifted everything to God and yet ? I am still not pregnant.
I cannot express how painful it feels to be in this horrendous situation every f'n month. I honestly don't know how much more I could take. Why us? Why me? I said to myself and even shared to my husband that growing up, I've always had a strong faith in God.. In my childhood, I used to think I was one of his favorites because I haven't felt real pain like what I feel now. Ever since I was young, all I wanted to be was to be around babies and kids. I wanted to take care of babies. I wanted to be a mother someday and when my someday finally came, I thought my dreams will unfold pretty fast but no- hell no.
I still remember a moment in my college classroom when the professor asked our goals and who we wanted to be when we grow up. Some says they wanted to be a billionaire, a businessman/woman, to be successful in their chosen fields and when it was my turn I proudly said that I wanted to be a wife and a mother and to have a happy family.- I remember that moment because I had the most different and simplest answer.
Simple? I thought so too. Maybe for most couples even to those who aren't couples at all.. It maybe the most easiest thing in the world for them and I envy them for intentionally and even unintentionally bringing a child in to this world easily. But in our situation? It is the most hardest painful situation we've ever faced and we are still facing in our lives.
Last night I told my husband I did everything I thought that could help me get pregnant- the pain and nervous anticipation of the first surgery I have felt in my life.. Our savings all spent in treatments..medicines.. Doctor visits.. Tests.. I thought I have gave it all.. And just when I thought I was about to hear comforting words from him- he cried.
And I understand because at this point in our lives crying is enough to suffice the pain. It's to hard to grab a word because we know it would never be enough..
Our life is changed tremendously now. We feel defective as a couple in this normal world where majority of people are parents and could easily parent a child..
We feel misunderstood. It may seem pretty easy to handle when you're outside the box but to be in this box of infertility for real? I can say that It is the most scariest, saddest and hopeless place you will ever have to be in.
Right now I find it hard to believe that something beautiful would unfold and despite my many understanding of who God is and my respect for his words I still can't understand why I have to be where I am exactly at this moment and where I have been placed for the past months.
My prayer is that for me to be strong and to somehow catch a glimpse of understanding of where God is in this situation so I can see his plans.
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