It’s been a while since I last wrote here. Many things have changed over the past months but my wish to have a child is still in deep despair.
I am only 25 years old and never in my whole life have I imagined that I/ We will be struggling with infertility at this age and time. For my teen years, all I could think of is to already begin the “life” I envisioned- Marry the man who loves me and whom I would also love back, have kids (many, many, many kids), be the happiest that I can be with the family we’ve created.
We are both healthy only a slight problem. I didnt know why of all the men in the world, why does it have to be my husband to be diagnosed with low sperm count. I could only be thankful that over the past months of battling the illness, for gracious reasons the numbers were increased but his morphology remained lower than normal and that hit me - It hit me because even though I’m perfectly fine and healthy and ready to have my own baby, I am still incompetent with my plan as I have to reconsider that in married life, I am no longer whole without my husband. That gives me the understanding that while his numbers remain low so is my chances of conceiving as well.
I didnt know why and how we got in here. I’ve had so many questions lurking for answers that could fill me in, that could make me understand why is this happening to me, to us. I cannot tolerate the pain anymore on seeing majority of my friends and people my age who easily gets pregnant, to top it off, knowing my sister is pregnant for the second time right now without even “trying” hard. Honestly, carrying someone elses’s baby in my arms is always a bitter sweet moment for me- It is something that brings joy and pain all at the same time. I almost never knew that extreme of emotions could be mixed in one moment until I felt it.
Infertility is a a major illness that only infertile couples would know about. Infertility is harder than you thought, it’s struggling and fighting with something you dont have any control over. It’s like battling cancer, despite the painful treatments, the emotional and physical investments, all you could do is HOPE that you will live but in the end, you still dont have any control over your life it could still be taken away from you despite your hope and struggle to fight for the disease.
It’s all up to God. They say that the most beautiful things in life are from God, and I just couldnt agree more but in my personal experience some of the most painful challenges are also from him and that takes a lot of time accepting and learning that sometimes you will be placed in the most toughest challenge and without any reasons why you are being tested, you still have to put your faith to him.
I have to say that accepting this has brought pain and depression in my life, all I could do is leave this to him. There are just some things that we cannot control in life and one of those things is to make another life.
All I could just wish for right now is strength to accept this challenge and pray that one day we would have our own. our very own.
and then life would suddenly be in full bliss.
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