9dpiui

All I could say is I feel guilty for not trusting God enough because I feel like this cycle would lead to disappointment again just like the past years. A few days ago, we went to tagaytay and prayed in Tierra de maria and pink sisters 

We/I prayed to God, Mama Mary and lady of manaoag to grant us our desire of being parents and to have our child or children because we also prayed to have twins..

And then for a minute I felt that my prayers are answered. I felt their presence and that I was being heard. It's so solemn and peaceful it's one of the greatest feelings that I have felt with The Lord and I feel I am closest to him than ever. I also prayed to our dear mama Mary and lady of manaoag and believed that this time it's my turn for motherhood. 

I claimed it. I felt it. I trusted the giver of life and I want to trust him forever. I was optimistic because I was under their blessings.

Who was I to not believe in the miracles of the Lord? 

And then there came no symptoms.. There were all the infertility blogs I've read online that their iui cycles only lead them to bfns.. And that the only cycles that worked for them was ivf..

Of course, I got discouraged. I felt guilty that I am becoming a negative person now after the solitude I felt days ago. But can you blame me? I was hurt numerous times before and now I'm somehow just being cautious... but is this wrong?

I feel that my faith is being tested heavily. 

I still feel so helpless because I know that I can't handle another negative result but I guess the saying is really true "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I was never aware I could handle such pain but here I am living and breathing still.. But deep inside I'm crying.. 

I want to trust God completely and that I guess would be my battle until I get to my strongest point:(

Little one, we've been praying for you. I wish you're already conceived in my womb.. I wish I can be able to know that I'm pregnant already so I can be the most happiest person in the world.

Dear God, my prayer is just for you to grant us with a baby. I wish this would be our time. I hope you will give us another miracle. Always make me strong. In fact, stronger than before so I can always handle things. Please let me be a faithful child of yours so I could only trust no one but you. Grant my petitions lord.. 

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛