June 18 2012 Negative

June 18 2012

or so I thought this would be the month..

it ended up wrong.. after all the countdowns, the hoping, (not just for this month but from the very first month we started trying to conceive), the pain and the frustration that goes with it after every negative and after each period that comes and goes every month. I could summarize that It hurts like hell.

I have always been so passionate about babies and kids since I was a child, I have dreamed of being a mother ever since I started realizing that I could be during my teenage years - however, being familiar with the norm I also knew it was unethical for a teenager to be a mother without finishing high school and more so college - also, I knew that I have to get married first before I could start having my very own child. For me, my dreams were just so simple compared to other peoples dreams; It was to marry the man I love and loves me back, have children and make a living out of a business that I enjoy and I’m passionate about.

I thought my dreams were so simple I could make it happen in a snap, then again, I was wrong.

I finished high school then college, and after I married the love of my life. I thought life is in full blast of making my dreams come true - if you were a witness in my life, it was all happening in order. Yes, it was surreal but I thought I can be like every other people who starts and end up happily stable with a career and a family they call their own.

In fairness to what I have now, I do appreciate all the things that I’ve achieved in my life so far but I’m still in deep curiosity on thinking why wouldn’t the one thing I really want in my life happen the way I dreamed it would?

Now I realize that making a baby was a lot harder than I thought and it is also painful.

Part of myself questions God “why to me when all the other people I know end up pregnant easily when they least expect it and when they didn’t want to be pregnant in the very first place?”

Having my unending faith to him, I know in my heart that he has answers but I also feel that this is unfair. I still cannot understand why.