transfer day and trusting God (Stopped googling)

10.10.14

this is a late post. the transfer day was really last 10.08.14 but I was too busy having my bed rest so I wasn't able to blog.

And now I can..

So let me start..

I've always prayed for god to give life to our embryos - for our 3 remaining embryos that were frozen last december 2013. Honestly, I was worried and anxious as they are not yet blastocysts when they were frozen only morulas on day 5 (though i forgot their grades). Ive been googling as ive always done it in the past (googling every curiosity or terms or whatsoevers) ive been googling success for frozen morula transfers and found out that some succeeded and some failed.

I was like playing thug of war in my head only i dont have any opponent just me pulling back and forth my hope and fear altogether. and then there was guilt.. as soon as Ive felt Gods presence more in my life, I suddenly knew whats wrong and right and i instantly have the urge and conscience not to do the wrong if I know that wasnt the will of the lord - I felt that God was not putting me in the same direction where i used to be before (googling and analyzing and looking forward to what the outcome is going to be)

I also remember one instance where I was trying to search in instagram hashtag ivf or hashtag 2ww and saw a pic where it says something like "trust god not google." -that moment, my guilt was confirmed. God was talking to me and i remembered a verse in the back of my head Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34"
so I told myself to stop over analyzing and just try to lift all this to the lord...

So transfer day came - I cant lie that yes even though im trusting the lord there are still little fear in my heart and trauma for my past negative experience so we didn't know how many of our 3 morula survived the thaw - we changed into our hospital gown (me, my husband and his grand mother) and still we dont know the answer of how many survived.. 

As i was waiting and laying in the bed anticipating some great news and anxiously scared if there are some bad news, the embryologist went closer and approached us. she started with her usual pleasantries and said that we thawed 3 embryos lastnight and out of all 3, 3 survived. I was ecstatic! I felt Gods presence again - after the embryologist followed up with and out of the 3 the 2 grew overnight and is now considered as expanded blastocysts and the last one is a little slow but still grew and is an early blastocyst! Right then and there, I whispered to myself to God be all the glory and praise!! and said thank you to the lord.

I knew it was God - I knew it was him who kept our embryos safe in his loving arms. I know God wanted me to trust him, to let go of tomorows worries. I never expected and hoped they grow that fast as I was just focused with the fact that they were frozen morulas and so they will be transfered back also as morulas.

God answered my prayers and I gave thanks to him - yes small little answers like that, I rejoice! I am not claiming this transfer will be successful but I am concluding that Gods presence were felt and I know he will give us children or a child (I just hope that he will use this fet as his instrument for his gift to us)

I'm having big hopes that this is it. I know God can do this to us. I know God listened to my prayers. I know God is behind these. I know this frozen embryo transfer was his will as ive asked for his answers.. because before starting this fet we were out of budget - I was doing LIT treatments to treat my immune system and that was draining our financial budget that time so I asked god if he wil provide for us and give provisions financially it will be his will.. and true enough the grandmother of my husband was helping out so i figured God really wanted us to pursue this..

Right now? I am 2dp5dt and I dont have symptoms.. had spotting yesterdat morning but that was it. nada. yes, i feel scared for another negative cycle just thinking about it makes me cringe to death. :( but I am not yet there. I am still here PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with triplets!!!!

So let me just be thankful and thank God for giving me the priviledge to be carrying these embryos that we pray to become humans soon :)

I know that with God nothing is impossible. I will continue to trust in him for I know he always knows the best for me even if sometimes I dont understand. I know this is something so magical..