CD8 and some thoughts

Today is cycle day 8 and also have to introduce another drug to my body which is called Cetrotide acetate along with the Gonal f that my body is already familiar with.

Yes, it is a little overwhelming dealing with pain and effects of drugs but I know we are already in the middle of our game - yesterday we came in to see my doctor for follicle scanning and he found 4 eggs on each of my ovaries - Although, that sounds a like a low number for an ivf cycle because my doctor only prescribed low dosage of gonal f for six days (only 150iu) he said we are still doing good and right on track. I admit me and peng were somewhat frustrated with the number so we blurted our concerns to our doctor about how we expected to have above 10 follicles but didn't. low number means low chances for us despite how great my eggs are - and because we were told that conceiving naturally is somewhat impossible for us so we wanted to have more in the freezer for future use so I dont have to go through the cons of medications anymore (including emotional, financial and physical stress) that it brings.

And luckily, after our doctor stressed out the importance of knowing the pros and cons of having large amount of embryos in the freezer and having a large family and what it brings we still decided that we wanted a big one anyway so he gave us a go signal to up the dose from 150iu - 300iu of gonal f for another 6 days in the hope of adding more follicles for better chances. :)

and now, all we have to do is wait. next week I will have another follicle monitoring and my estimate schedule of egg retrieval and I'm so game and excited with it.

This is getting a lot more faster than what I've expected but I really hope God would grant us the family that we yearn to have :)

Crossing my fingers till my next update :)

fighting til our last breath

Oh hello there Gonal-f :) CD2

Today is my cd2 and unfortunately I also already started with my gonal f this morning so peng's job is to inject me everyday for 12 days so I wouldnt have to inject myself and I could save myself from seeing the needle and injecting it to my lower abdomen.

I thought it was going to hurt - but I just felt a fast prick and nothing more and now I'm glad.  however, our doctor told me that in the second week after Gonal f He would give me a new med to inject for another 6 days and that would hurt more :(

The pain and suffering I go through this whole ivf process is overwhelming but I'm game! I'm ready, I'm fighting - Though I have to admit that I'm secretly scared of negative outcome :( I have to prepare myself for bad news and somewhat I can sense that despite my preparations not to get hurt if it wont take I still wouldnt ever be prepared for that kind of hurt :(

But i dont want to talk about the bad things - not yet. of course I want to be optimistic. I hope I could produce a lot of eggs and they would all fertilize and could reach to be beautiful blastocysts... :)

On dec 5 I would have a follicular scan and would update here soon!

so heres to my crossed fingers that are hoping and wishing !


BYE AND HAVE A GREAT LIFE

On to IVF route

We will be doing IVF as soon as my period arrives. We already talked to our new doctor (dr. Mark Ancheta of The Medical City - I really like him and the way he takes care of his patients including us. I'm also hoping that he would be the last doctor that would treat us and be the instrument of God to bless us with a child)  He seems really positive that we have good chances - of course I'm still not expecting too much as a lot can happen in the process that could God forbid lead to a negative however, I know that this time a lot of eggs aroung (15-20) max is the target of our doctors so even if it doesnt work this cycle I'm very hoping that there would be some more left to freeze so we could try and try as long as we have some left in the freezer.

BTW, we just got my blood test results (Hormone tests which are pre-req of an IVF procedure) and doctor explained that results are great and everything is perfectly normal and healthy. He also mentioned that I would just be needing minimal amount of meds to produce eggs because of my age (26) and my normal test results - meaning we would be spending less money :)

I am now in a state where I've accepted the fact that this IVF is the only great way to help us conceive and I am 100% ready to do it. I'm looking forward to it already!

I am praying that this time, this would be our time.

Till next time :)

thoughts on IVF

as I have mentioned before, We've already tried to do mini IVF (using only clomid) in the states - I was able to produce 3 mature eggs and so the doctor was able to retrieve them all but 2 just got fertilized after ICSI so the doctor transferred our 2 perfectly grade A embryos on day 3 - and yet, It failed. It was a negative. Out of the two, nothing took and implanted and our lives was crushed.

Long before we started the procedure I have to admit that I was truly hesitant to do it majority because of my faith to God - I've read all the articles on christian's and catholic's take about it and I found myself skeptical and unwilling to start. It says that no one should have the right to make a life in unnatural way (and that consists of medical procedures, doctors and science) and only God has the ability to give us children through the "natural way". There were many aspects they were trying to point out but to cut it short it was concluded that christian/ catholic community are fully against it.

and then of course out of my uncertainty and fear I agreed. I agreed that faith moves mountains so I just need to keep on having faith and wait for the miracle to happen. Ironically, It was tough how my faith and deep desires out of my life was fighting - I agreed because just the thought of making a child outside my body sounds like a really scientific experiment. I was really in deep confusion and struggle but I did it anyway despite how much confusion and battle my mind has.

After my laparoscopy procedure, Besides my endometriosis, I found out how my fimbrial ends were distorted and not functioning as it should but the doctor tried to dilate both of them with the hopes of great news (so we also hoped)- for it to function normally and for me to get pregnant soon after my surgery. We were given the window to conceive for the first 3 months after as the highest chance to get pregnant and if not, we'll be turning our route to ivf because it only means that my tubes even after the dilation would not ever function normally again.

We tried IUI after the laparoscopy with high hopes and great vision that everything is okay with me already but after having it failed again, we knew something was still up. My tubes are still malfunctioning. We even tried the "natural way" but still ended up getting my period as expected.

And then I realized that sometimes your perceptions on things about life would inevitably change based on your situations and experiences in life. It doesnt mean that you are indecisive rather it means that youre broadening your horizons and opening your mind to other point of views in life and agreeing with them.

After getting hurt month after month and after hearing the doctor telling straight to our faces that we have none to slim chance of conceiving naturally because of my tubes I instantly changed my take on doing IVF. I realized that God made doctors to help people in deep need of medical assistance. Medical procedures (in all sorts) are made for people who are sick and hopeless.

God allowed certain things to happen in our lives for him to see how much willing we are to fight for the things we desire. IVF is there for hopeless people who are like us to give us the hope that we need to move on and to continue to stay strong. IVF doesnt mean you dont have faith in God but it means that you have stronger faith in him that despite your hopeless case, you still trust him, you trust the people he made to be there to help you and to reach your goals. IVF means that youre fighting, that you want this bad enough to happen, that youre stronger than you ever thought you could be because despite the emotional, physical and financial risks you still master the courage to gamble everything. IVF is a symbol of bravery for people who think they are all weak and weary. I still believe that God still has the final say and thats the mere reason why it fails sometimes.

and despite how much I used to believe that faith alone moves mountains I have to rephrase that and quote these wise words from Mason Cooley: "faith moves mountains but you have to keep pushing while youre praying."

Grievance and some vices

After all the stress and hurt = emotionally, physically, financially and yes even spiritually we allowed our selves to do what normal people does best - and that is to relax..

However it's still easier said than done because we still have the same pain and anger about this unfairness of life..

Oh well. That's about it