difference of our 1st and 2nd IUI

it's ironic that it's already been a year since our last cycle of IUI- that was October 2012 and now being unplanned after a laparocopy surgery we did the 2nd cycle of IUI this September of 2013.

I noticed that there have been differences since the last cycle because during our first we were so optimistic it would work, we were over the moon when we found out I produced 4 mature follicles that of course could lead to multiples! we were that optimistic the thought of having quadruplets scared us!! me and peng even wore our "lucky" shirt for the gender of the babies (blue for him and obviously pink for me), I was obsessed every day after the IUI I thought that I would finally get pregnant I was even talking to my belly so they could stick and finally implant on their own and I can still remember that I cannot wait to test already I even set a date earlier than when my period is due but in the end, there came the negative result of the pregnancy test and soon enough my period was second to arrive.

My heart was crushed.



This time, When we had our IUI procedure I wore an ordinary shirt I cant even remember now that I'm typing this. Peng asked me when are we going to take a test only to realize that I dont have any plans on taking a test at all to begin with because maybe I am not the same optimistic person I was a year ago after every disappointment and pain every month I realized I would just wait if I get my period or not. Also, this time we found out that I produced 3 mature follicles and after the doctor saw the ultrasound he warned us by saying "you could have 3 babies." and all I could utter back was "I wish..."

I cant deny the fact that we are still secretly hoping to conceive but I can tell that we are both cautious of what might be the result in the end. Too much hurt made us cautious to be more hopeful because in the end that's also for our own good.

I've learned that after merely 2 years all in all, (trying hard naturally, IUI, clomid, IVF, the works and the negative letdowns each time) we are now more realistic than before. Yes, it would still crush our hearts but the ritual is changing as time goes by. If I were to look back at how we were a year ago, I would laugh at ourselves because our innocence made us the most optimistic people only to get hurt in the end and now? I am just praying.. wishing.. asking the lord to finally hear our pleas.. although lately we've been begging the lord and mama mary to grant us the child we've been praying for. (I know they will grant it. I just dont know when) all I could say is that our faith is stronger than before.. because in the end it's all up to God...