Dec 31 2012 Saying adios to 2012

Dec 31 2012

Today marks as the last day of 2013 and being the sentimental person that I am, I could not let this pass without having to write here as memories the joy, happiness, pain and sorrow that year 2012 brought in my life and in our lives as married couple.

The biggest highlight of my life this year was getting married in the church and in front of God with almost all our families and friends. I will never. No, never forget that feeling of walking down the aisle and forwardly looking to the man in the end of the altar sobbing and waiting for me.

As what I have thought it was - it was surreal. I have always envisioned getting married to someone who would do everything he can for me.

After we were in our honeymoon - It was paradise ! I could not ask for more serenity and beauty of nature all at once. We had a blast!

I thought that was the start of our fairytale.

I was wrong. the biggest highlight started and ended there.  I could say that year 2012 have mostly shook my life hard core.

The mother of my husband (refusing to call her my mother-in-law) had her most evil ways of proclaiming her hate and emotions on our marriage. Despite that all pengs family had a definitely bad impressions of me because of wrong stories and descriptions, I wanted to be close to my his family. but I guess this year wasnt the right timing.

I thought that was the worst this year could bring, I was wrong again.

 Dec of 2011 we started to try to conceive. We figured, I couldnt burst my tummy in 2 months by the time of our wedding on feb 2012. We were so positive we would fall pregnant once we stopped using contraceptives. We were wrong

This year, we learned we were infertile.

We had tests and it showed that peng has low sperm count. We were offered in-vitro if in 6 months we are still not yet successful. We thought that was too much. Just the thought of using any device outside my body to make our very own child was so unbearable for me.  I hoped and cried every single month. and add prayers to that, lots of prayers.

Now, It has been a year, and along with the despair and pain came acceptance, that sometimes not all could work out accordingly. I accepted that even though it was my dream to have my very own children I had to put a lot of patience for me endure this. and also, acceptance that even though peng tries to do everything he could for me, he could not be perfect and I accept that ( I honestly had trouble accepting that) but now I do. I remember I vowed, through good times and bad times and in sickness and in health..

I realized, the  true essence of accepting the pain while youre on it is the true measure of strength in marriage.

Well, to cut the story short- Next year we will be doing the mini ivf. And now I am so open to the idea.  :)

We are looking forward for a successful 1st cycle!

2013 please be good to us.

November 15 2012

Last week was the hardest week in my life. I wast able to write here that last 10/26/12 we did the whole IUI procedure along with me taking clomid and injecting a shot of ovidrel to make ovulation happen in a certain time.

The day of the IUI procedure me and peng are both hopeful that it’ll work. After knowing that I had 3 mature eggs on my right tube and him having a 105 million post wash sperm that they would be injecting in my cervix we thought it was a no brainer, that it coud get me pregnant fast and soon enough because the only problem we had that time was that peng has poor morphology only 8% and the normal should be 14% onwards.

After the procedure, I thought “this could be it” after more than a year of trying naturally, this could get us the wish we’ve been praying for. Little did I know that sometimes, even when the numbers are enough, the science explanations are well ordained and expectations are set up high - We still cant mess up with God.

The 2 week wait was the best hopeful days of my life. every single day I was searching for signs or symptoms, and yes I got few of them on those days but I still ended up with an empty womb.

Ever since I was young, I knew that my faith to God is one of my best asset that I could bash about. I thought that I could accept all challenges from him with ease and comfort. Life for me wasnt perfect but I embraced the imperfections and thank God anyway regardless of the fallbacks and the tears.

I was wrong. After testing a negative pregnancy tests for how many months, I question God, I asked him why me? why would I need to suffer while every girl I know is pregnant and happy? why did my sister have to be pregnant with her second child naturally and unintentionally and I still ended up un-pregnant despite the assisted medical conception we just had.

Why on earth does these have to happen?

All the months I prayed and wish, sometimes, I have to admit that I stopped praying because I thought it will just lead me to more disappointments. the last months of trying and trying and trying and getting the same negative results, I was convinced with my mothers reply to me when I told her that its still negative after the IUI “we (me and peng) are both being tested by God”

and with a little understanding and so much pain I convinced myself that this was the biggest test I had have in my entire life.

That night, instead of praying to have our own child, I asked for strength to accept that I am being tested. I asked for patience that I could pass this test and that I could overcome this struggle. I asked for love from him so I could look at life in a brighter way.

It didnt came fast- I meant the answers to my prayers didnt came fast because after that I was still so depressed I didnt know what to do.

Until I read I purchased a book about infertiliy called: “Every Drunken cheerleader. Why not me?”

I dont want to write and summarize the book here but I could say that it brought a lot of understanding in my life. I realized that it wasnt just me that’s suffering with infertility. the book advised to write a journal about the pain so I could have some help on venting out because with this situation, most of the time, Isolation and depression is the major struggle and that the reason why it reminded me to write these feelings here again.

It thought me that life is still full of wonderful hope and that sometimes, all we could do is leave it all to God.

I now accept that God is just molding me to a more stronger person in able to face motherhood with so much preparation and lessons.

I still dont know why on earth did he pick me, but I know that this reason has some better outcomes in the end because after all, I do believe in God not just in good times but also in drying times like this.

<3

November 12 2012 On infertility and despair

It’s been a while since I last wrote here. Many things have changed over the past months but my wish to have a child is still in deep despair.

I am only 25 years old and never in my whole life have I imagined that I/ We will be struggling with infertility at this age and time. For my teen years, all I could think of is to already begin the “life” I envisioned- Marry the man who loves me and whom I would also love back, have kids (many, many, many kids), be the happiest that I can be with the family we’ve created.

We are both healthy only a slight problem. I didnt know why of all the men in the world, why does it have to be my husband to be diagnosed with low sperm count. I could only be thankful that over the past months of battling the illness, for gracious reasons the numbers were increased but his morphology remained lower than normal and that hit me - It hit me because even though I’m perfectly fine and healthy and ready to have my own baby, I am still incompetent with my plan as I have to reconsider that in married life, I am no longer whole without my husband. That gives me the understanding that while his numbers remain low so is my chances of conceiving as well.

I didnt know why and how we got in here. I’ve had so many questions lurking for answers that could fill me in, that could make me understand why is this happening to me, to us. I cannot tolerate the pain anymore on seeing majority of my friends and people my age who easily gets pregnant, to top it off, knowing my sister is pregnant for the second time right now without even “trying” hard. Honestly, carrying someone elses’s baby in my arms is always a bitter sweet moment for me- It is something that brings joy and pain all at the same time. I almost never knew that extreme of emotions could be mixed in one moment until I felt it.

Infertility is a a major illness that only infertile couples would know about. Infertility is harder than you thought, it’s struggling and fighting with something you dont have any control over. It’s like battling cancer, despite the painful treatments, the emotional and physical investments, all you could do is HOPE that you will live but in the end, you still dont have any control over your life it could still be taken away from you despite your hope and struggle to fight for the disease.

It’s all up to God. They say that the most beautiful things in life are from God, and I just couldnt agree more but in my personal experience some of the most painful challenges are also from him and that takes a lot of time accepting and learning that sometimes you will be placed in the most toughest challenge and without any reasons why you are being tested, you still have to put your faith to him.

I have to say that accepting this has brought pain and depression in my life, all I could do is leave this to him. There are just some things that we cannot control in life and one of those things is to make another life.

All I could just wish for right now is strength to accept this challenge and pray that one day we would have our own. our very own.

and then life would suddenly be in full bliss.

August 30 2012 Dear Baby...

08/30/12

Hi Baby,

I am writing now in the middle of a working day. You aren’t still in my womb yet but you have always been in my heart and my mind for as long as I could remember. (that makes it more obvious that I have been so excited and frustrated to see you.

As per what the Doctor said, There will be slight complications of having you and I could only agree to her now after 10 long months of trying - that’s why me and your daddy is having a hard time conceiving you. can you imagine how just the the thought of it already pulls us off every single day?.  

Growing up, I’ve always been looking forward to be a Mom to you. I’ve always thought that “that special moment” would happen quickly but unfortunately it has been the other way around.

I cant wait to see you and to guide you as you grow. I cant wait to continue to love you in person as I have been loving you already in my thoughts. I cant wait to teach you things that you can never learn from any schools or teachers and to also learn from your own point of views. I cant wait to be a mother to you - I cannot wait for you to know how to be able to read and understand so I can show this letter to you - So I can let you know that even before I have you, You are already made in my heart and mind.

I pray for you all the time. I pray that God would let us be together soon.

There are a lot of things that I want you to know in advance; That I will love you forever, I will always try my best to understand you and to help and support you in everything you do, to always be by your side and also, I want to apologize in advance if there would come a time that I would disappoint or hurt you. I will be with you always to guide and love you not just because that’s my responsibility as a parent but because that is what I know my purpose is in life. <3

all my love,

your mother :)

June 28 2012 Birthday Blog

June 28 2012

Its my 25th Birthday today. Once and for all, I feel so blessed with all the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I would like to thank God for giving me another year to experience the highs and the lows of life. I’m so privileged

Somehow, I find it odd that this stage of my life I haven’t been asking for certain tangible things for my birthday. -as peng repeatedly asks me what do I want and I repeatedly answer I dont know and it’s not because I have everything I could ask for in life but because I know I already have enough - enough of the material things and enough to make me focus on the things money cant buy. Secretly, the main thing I could wish for is to be the best wife for him (not because I always fail but because he simply deserves it).

-And then, I wish for good health & long life (not just for me but also for my loved ones), strength to overcome any obstacles in life, wisdom, love all throughout and finally cute babies along the way (really wishing soon).

June 18 2012 THOUGHTS...

June 18 2012

I realized that faith is tested not on praying during the happy times but by praying and holding on during the bad times. I realized that most of the time characters are made not out of choice but out of our random reactions on what life has showed us in the lightest and darkest days of our lives.

There are a lot of days I appreciate the goodness in life. there are a lot of blessings I appreciate in my life from the cozy nook I have in my work to having the best husband anyone could possibly have. I have my shares of genuineness and negativeness as well and I correlate to the belief many has that life is a gift -

Frankly, I believe that I already experienced so much in this 24 yrs of existence; I’ve felt how it is to move from one place to another pretty much from a different society to anew. I’ve felt how it is to belong and to let go, to memorize and to forget certain people/things/memories, to fly back and fourth to the place you call home and to suddenly realize it should be the other way around. I’ve felt how it is to hope and dream more so, to achieve and attain also, to fail and get frustrated.

We have our own ways of believing that light will shine on us completely regardless of the constant darkness and the minimum shadow of possibilities.

I am writing now out of frustration and fear - and I could go on and on sharing how life could be unfair sometimes.

These are some random thoughts I feel now that I am in the midst of the darkness of life,.

June 18 2012 Negative

June 18 2012

or so I thought this would be the month..

it ended up wrong.. after all the countdowns, the hoping, (not just for this month but from the very first month we started trying to conceive), the pain and the frustration that goes with it after every negative and after each period that comes and goes every month. I could summarize that It hurts like hell.

I have always been so passionate about babies and kids since I was a child, I have dreamed of being a mother ever since I started realizing that I could be during my teenage years - however, being familiar with the norm I also knew it was unethical for a teenager to be a mother without finishing high school and more so college - also, I knew that I have to get married first before I could start having my very own child. For me, my dreams were just so simple compared to other peoples dreams; It was to marry the man I love and loves me back, have children and make a living out of a business that I enjoy and I’m passionate about.

I thought my dreams were so simple I could make it happen in a snap, then again, I was wrong.

I finished high school then college, and after I married the love of my life. I thought life is in full blast of making my dreams come true - if you were a witness in my life, it was all happening in order. Yes, it was surreal but I thought I can be like every other people who starts and end up happily stable with a career and a family they call their own.

In fairness to what I have now, I do appreciate all the things that I’ve achieved in my life so far but I’m still in deep curiosity on thinking why wouldn’t the one thing I really want in my life happen the way I dreamed it would?

Now I realize that making a baby was a lot harder than I thought and it is also painful.

Part of myself questions God “why to me when all the other people I know end up pregnant easily when they least expect it and when they didn’t want to be pregnant in the very first place?”

Having my unending faith to him, I know in my heart that he has answers but I also feel that this is unfair. I still cannot understand why.