A Letter to my 2nd born on his 1st birthday

March 1, 2018

Noah

Time truly flew so fast and I honestly still couldn't believe it has already been a yr since I gave birth to you. Since you came into our lives.

I sometimes wish time flies a little slower so I can cherish you a little more while you are still a baby. (I mean, less than 1 yr baby) but also, there are also those moments where i can't wait to watch you grow. To converse with you. To Get to know the little personality God has marked you with. I'm already excited because we can already tell that you will have a happy disposition in life because, at such a young age, you are already a happy baby! You smile and laugh so easily it's freakin adorable.

 Also, since you were born and up to now, you were always the clingy one. You always want me to carry you. To hug you. To be near you. And if not, you cry oh so hysterically. I admit that I sometimes get frustrated whenever I can't do other things because I am holding you all the time, but deep within my inner motherly soul, I wish and pray that you will never change. 

Because one day I know that you will grow and I will miss your cries. One day you will grow and won't be needing me near you all the time anymore.  

My dear Noah, I hope you will always know how much I love you.

The past year of having you, taking care of you and lastly of loving you flew so quick as I also have your kuya Knox to attend to and care and love everyday. I get so busy with the two of you I couldn't get a hold of the time as easily anymore.

I apologize in advance if I rarely have the chance to only focus my time on you because you and your brother always have to share my time. But believe me and I promise you that my love will never be shared because I love you both with all my heart equally.

But today, it's all about you. It will be your birthday in a few weeks. The day you came into our lives made me the happiest mom - yes its definitely tiring but as I always say this. I 2 couldn't have it any other way still. 

I want to wish you a happy happy birthday my son. I pray (I always pray) that God would keep you safe and guide you all the time. That you will always know the lord and follow him all the time. I pray that in this life you have, you will know that I am always and when I say always I mean forever - always be here for you to support you, take care of you and mostly to love you for the rest of your & my life. I want you to be confident in this world that you have a mother who will teach you things that are not taught in school and could fight with you through battles that you will have to face. 

I love you my sweet and happy boy with all of my heart and soul. 

Happy Happy 1st Birthday!

Mama

Noah Elian - Birth Story

Aug 2 2017 (a super late post but as they say, it's always  better late than never)

It was March 20 of 2017 when me and peng went to the hospital for my 38th week checkup and to check if I was already dilated some more because the previous week I was already 2 cm dilated.

As far as I remember, I was super ready to give birth when I entered my 36th week into the pregnancy because I was already having pregnancy insomnia (also happened with my 1st pregnancy) and I was super anxious to be a mom of 2 I couldnt wait anymore.

During my checkup, I still remember that my Obgyn stripped my membrane and told me that I was going into labor that same night and true enough at around 9pm false contractions were taking place but doensnt have a regular rhythm where it allowed us to think that it was real contractions already.. I was praying and asked the Lord to guide me and give me strength if it was really happening.. I was scared.. sad (that knox will no longer be my only baby) but also excited & hopeful about my next journey... and that is being a mom of 2.. I know that in this journey, God is with me, he chose me to have this life.. I still remember how i feel.. mixed of emotions that I couldnt exactly explain.

Then at around 1 am I was chatting with my sister and remember telling her I am already feeling some pain but timing it,  the pain wasnt every 5 mins apart..

But close to 2 pm even though the contractions were not regular as I hoped, it got stronger & stronger I couldnt manage the pain anymore... so I told peng that maybe we should head out to the hosp and he was also looking forward for our 2nd baby too..

I remember how I kissed Knox goodbye... I was feeling sentimental but dont want to focus on the sad part but just on the positive because I dont want to feel bad for the arrival of our second baby so as much as i remember feeling nostalgic and sad I fought hard to focus on the good.

On our way to the hosp.. We went to mcdonalds for a drivethru (same routine i did before giving birth to knox) and ordered my last meal before giving birth..

As soon as we went to The Medical City we went straight to the 5th floor (labor and delivery) and I got checked in and asked to change to the hospital gown that they provided. While contractions were getting stronger i still remember being wheeled to the labor room without my husband. It was a scary experience because in the states when I gave birth to knox I was checked in a birthing suite with my family also inside the room. So being alone in the middle of contractions without my husband with me is downright scary already. The nurse was assuring me that my husband just needs to fill up some information and will be in the labor room after. True enough, after a few mins or hrs of pain and after bugging some of the nurses peng was sitted beside me and I felt a huge relief.

When the pain worsen, I asked the nurses if I could already have my epidural and at that point I was already trembling because of the pain. Of course, when asked to curl up so they can inject the anesthesia in my spine I was already in tears.

After that, my world was slowly comforted with the holy medicine! I still can't believe how I got to nap during my labor because of the epidural. When the anesthesiologist talked to me she warned me that it will fade and that I should approach someone to refill the meds as soon as I start to feel pain any again. When the anesthesia was wearing off, I remember asking the nurse to refill the meds but I was told that the anesthesiologist was still busy with another patient. When my obgyn entered the room she told me she would pop my water bag but I still wasn't ready bec the anesthesia was almost wearing off.. The doctor for some reason told me that it will Take A while to go into actual pushing after she pops my waterbag so she still insisted anyway.  (and that is the major reason I wouldnt go back to her anymore - if I ever get pregnant again.)

If there's one thing I regret during that time was that I agreed to have my waterbag popped with my medication wearing off.. Because after the doctor popped my waterbag I was already in deep excruciating pain.. I remember saying the specific bible verse of Philippians 4:13 which reads "I can do all things through christ who strengthen me" over in over in the midst of the pain to convince myself that I can do it through Gods help.

When the anesthesiologist went in for the refill of my anesthesia they discovered that the needle in my spine got blocked and that they had to inject me again! That was the worst part of all.. I was injected in my spine twice so they could give some more anesthesia while I was already at 9 cm and the anesthesia was wearing off...

When the doctor asked me if I was already feeling some urge to push I said yes.

Next thing I know was the nurses advised peng to get the camera because it was already time for me to push.

When being wheeled to the delivery room, I kept on asking the anesthesiologist to inject more epidural because I am still in deep pain. Moreso, I was super nervous that I might give birth feeling everything. I know I doubted myself because I know that I have a very low pain tolerance.. When they were prepping me to push I could finally feel a little numb so I knew the medicine was already taking effect.

March 21 2017.. Around 5 am.. I pushed.. I believe I pushed 4 times and baby Noah -our 2nd baby boy (Noah Elian)  was out.. It was surreal when i heard my 2nd baby cry for the first time... I noticed how pail he is and that he resembles a lot like his older brother. I can hear  and see peng crying too (those sobs I wouldn't forget, same thing I heard when knox was about to introduce himself) .. I, on the other hand was in tears of stress (hehe).. Not that I'm not emotional but I am still super exhausted with everything that happened given that I thought I would give birth unmedicated.

But yes.. I am. Still. Emotional. I fell in love at first sight again for the second time.. My feelings were surreal I couldn't explain. I am already a mom of 2!

After they places noah on my chest to breastfeed I knew that moment is the start of so many changes in my life. Minutes later while the doctor is stitching  the part "down there" they injected some sleep inducing drug bec I instantly fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in the recovery room and immediately saw the nurse so I called her and asked where my baby is.. She told me the baby is still in the nursery and will be handed to me in a while so he could latch and eat. I remember how excited I was that moment.. I was alone.. Peng was in the room waiting for me as he is not allowed in the recovery room..as far as I remember it was around 9am when I woke up..

The sleep recharged my body. I was all ready to see and carry Noah..I was feeling all kinds of excitement and I still waited quite a few minutes.. when I heard a something thats being wheeled in the room I was already hoping it was noah so the nurses was talking and checking the details of the baby and I even heard the nurse said "ang puti" (so fair) and I just assumed it was him already.. true enough the nurse read "Baby boy Mendiola" and there I met my son for the 2nd time that day.

We named him Noah Elian 

Noah means Comfort (from the bible) and Elian means Lord is my God.

~Noah Elian~

6.9 lbs

18.5 "

March 21 2017

We dedicate our gratefulness to You, oh Lord! 

Thank you for your faithfulness.

Giving back all the glory and praise to you!

Happiest 1st birthday my love!

Feb 3 2017

Dear Knox,
Your birthday just passed (Jan 26 2017) and I just got busy planning, organizing and dealing with your first birthday party that happened last Jan 28 (sat) so pardon that this entry is a bit late.

Anyways.. I've always wanted to write you a letter or to compose and pick the best and right words to tell you how I feel now that you just turned 1 so even though I'm a few days late I will still do it now....

I just want to let you know how much I find my love for you amazing in every way.. Amazing that just by thinking about it, it already makes me cry.. Why? Because it's overflowing it's overpowering all the other emotions I have as your mom... You made me discover and feel a greater kind of love I never knew existed... I am so thankful to God that my journey is finally set here.. I am now a mom.. Many years I've prayed, longed and yearned for this special role and Im finally owning it now by God's grace!.

You are my son and I know that the Lord handpicked us to be each other's own.. I love how the Lord gave me you as my child.. You are so special.. You are so smart.. You are so sweet (though you're still not big enough to know) it makes me feel nostalgic whenever I look back and remember the 1st time I saw you after I gave birth to you.. They say 'babies grow fast' and I agree with those who made that statement as it stands up to this very day.. The past year with you was a lot to take in actually.. I am still figuring the unknown journey of parenthood.. I am always physically drained (yes) but also emotionally fulfilled everyday.. Knox, I want you to know that your presence alone fills up my life and all the empty spaces in between.. I found my sanity in you. You change me in ways I never thought possible.. You make me a better person.. Thank you, Anak!

Loving you, taking care of you and Watching you grow makes my life complete.. I feel sad sometimes that time gets too fast and I don't get to hold on and pause the moments a little longer but I am also in awe, happy and excited to see your next step..Your Next growth.. And also your next journey ahead..

I Always pray that God would guide and lead you to the right path.. That you will always be a happy, smart, healthy and above all, a God fearing person..

And on your 1st bday my prayer is for you to always know how much great my love is for you.. Know that it will never be lost nor stolen because it is etched here in my heart and it is here to stay forever (only it grow more and more stronger everyday).

I love you so very much. Actually there's no right words to describe how much.. All in all, I just want to Thank you for being the sunshine in my life!

Mommy of 2 babies under 2

It's kind of amazing that I can write now as my 1st baby who is (13 mos old) is having his afternoon nap and my 2nd baby (almost 2 mos old) is sleeping peacefully on my chest while i babywear him with my ktan. (btw, i really recommend baby ktan it help moms continue to do things while carrying their babies!..)

Well, I am excited to be having just minutes of break.. I consider my "me time"and "rest" during the hours that my kids are asleep.. you see.. eversince I became a mom of 2 (yes 2, because when I just had 1 baby my time and day was still a breeze hehe) not that i'm complaining but let me continue.. as soon as I became a mom of 2 babies it feels that I now live in a fast paced world and getting things done could be so time consuming or exhausting.. I always hate to sound like I am complaining  or throwing not so good words to describe the feeling (specially with what weve been through) but I have to stay as real as possible to whats truly happening in reality.

Yes, its true I have to admit that having babies under 2 is a no joke exhaustion... As soon as you wake up in the morning its like you press the fast farword button and just press play as soon as your little ones sleep because thats when you can really take it slow but its only for an hr or 2... I am still very thankful though that we are here in manila where having a yaya or a help is possible because now that my eldest has his own yaya meaning she is the one who is constantly watching over him while I get busy with my newborn (gives him a bath, feed him, walk him outside for exercise, plays with him, cleans and sterilizes his feeding bottles, washes and folds his clothes and she even cleans our room!) whew, I know you would say how can it still be exhausted when you have a maid!?!? hahaha

believe it or not it still is... because while the nanny is busy with my eldest I am busy with the youngest.. and during the times when I let her rest and my 2 awake babies are with me the world seems 4 x faster!!! my toddler , Knox is a handful and still needs to be guided with his every step because he is just beginning to walk,,,he gets and throws almost all the things that catch his interest and is truly 1 active little boy while on the other hand, my almost 2 month old Noah is persistent that when awake, he doesnt want to be left at either on bed or on his swing... so he consistently wants to be carried and swayed...

being the kind of mom who always tries to find for solution.. I tried my best to look for remedies and found that a baby hammock or DUYAN in tagalog is really helpful so I went to the market and bought his very own.. while it is true that its helpful he still wants to be carried most of the time...

My life in a fast paced world with my 2 kids make me the tirdest but also the happiest... The lord made a miracle when i first got pregnant with knox and he suprised me with a new miracle the second time he made me a mom with noah... as I said to my husband during one of our random conversations, " I wouldnt have it any other way"... "its perfect the way it is." perfect because my kids are the lords reminder for me that he answers prayer and delivers miracle.. :) Despite the exhaustion and despite how many times I whispered and prayed for them to have "longer naps" so I can have "longer rests" only to see that 1 baby (or 2) wakes up already hehehe I am happy... In fact this is the happiest that Ive ever been in my life and i know I could not be any happier !! or maybe in 3 or 4 yrs when  God permits that I will get pregnant with a baby girl I could still be more happy hehehe


But for now I am super happy.. tired? yes! drained? oh yes! but blessed? VERY BLESSED!!!

I always pray to God that he would always give me strength both emotionally and physically so I could take care of my two littles well :)

Dear baby #2

Feb 24 2017

Dear baby #2

I am know 34 weeks and 5 days pregnant with you.. Barely 2 more weeks til I turn 36 weeks and we are in the 9 legit months already! You can arrive anytime after that time frame Babe!.

My pregnancy with you has been super fast and tiring as I am already taking care of your brother knox.. I want to apologize in advance if I have lack of "bumpies" (selfies with my growing belly) just like what I did with your Kuya... Because if I'm not at all busy taking care of knox I am busy resting and just enjoying my time lying or sitting down without doing anything at all..

I want to say sorry in advance if by any chance you feel inferior of how I am with my pregnancy with you. I know it's too early for jealousy issues but I am already guilty as charged.

Guilty because I know Im always tired all The time.. But Babe pls know that my love for you as your mom will never lack.. It will Never miss a single emotion because my love for you grows more and more each day.. Just like how I love your brother..

I find it amazing how my heart seems to expand everyday because of your brother knox and you.. Please know that I am complete because the Lord made a way through you and your Kuya..

I love you so much anak and I can't wait to love you even more when you finally decide to come out and face the world.

I am claiming it already that I will be your first love just as how your brother felt with me when he came out in this world..

I love you little bub!

wait, what!?! 2 babies under 2???

Jan 9 2017

I've been meaning to write here in my blog to share the news but been very busy (if not busy, I'm just resting because wow, life with an almost 1 yr old is one heck of a ride. hehehe)

Anyhow.. about the title of this post... Yes.. Yes.. and YES!! The Lord surprised us again for the 2nd time around and we are expecting another miracle AGAIN!! It's a little fast getting pregnant again when knox just turned 5 mos old but who am I to complain anyway after all that weve been through right?!? God is so powerful he me be a mother of 2 little babies this time...

It's true that when you surrender your life to the Lord, the Lord decides and takes over.. and by taking over he blesses us with miracles always under his timing...and all that is left for us to do is feel blessed and thankful! again I am giving all the glory and praise to our Lord for blessing us with baby number 2!!!!

I am currrently in my 27th week and I am nervous and excited at the same time!!

I hope and pray that God would bless me on how to be a good mother to my 2 babies and treat and love them fairly... :)

I'll blog again next time.. momma duty cALLsss hehehe

Samuel Knox - Birth Story -

It was around 7:30 am when I started feeling hardening of stomach and mild abdominal cramps that lasted seconds and would recur a few minutes after again and again.. at first I didnt mind it at all since I was already feeling the hardening since I entered 3rd trimester so given the fact that I slept at 4:30am that night because of pregnancy insomnia, I was planning to go back to sleep til around 1:00pm because thats what I literaly do almost everyday... I didnt know what an actual contraction feels like so I never ever thought that was happening already...

It was a tuesday morning January 26 of 2016, peng was in the shower getting ready for work and me anticipating every aches and pain as I was already 41 weeks pregnant and overdue I thought to myself maybe this could be it? but then again.. it was so mild I could not even tell it was painful...

When peng entered our room already dressed up and ready to leave, I told him I was feeling this hardening and cramps but not quiet sure if this is "the one" that I should be feeling.. so I asked him to text or call his boss and let him know that he would be late for work that day because we are monitoring the contractions...

at around 8:15am the cramps were getting stronger.. and peng had me download a contraction app so we monitorred the intervals.. it was every 3-5 minutes apart now... peng decided that I take a shower already and he called my doctor to let her know... Unfortunately, the doctor didnt anwswer so he just left a message letting her know about the contractions and the interval.. I was already leaking tinge of blood every now and then and I had it on my panty liner...

Fortunately, The doctor called back and my husband told her about my contractions and she demanded that we go to the hospital and go straight to labor and delivery.

so while in the shower, the contractions were getting stronger I had to pause everytime i feel it... after taking a shower, I made sure I put a decent amount of makeup. yes! makeup hehe just a bb cream and put an eyebrow makeup and also a little contour since you know how much a makeup junkie I am! hehe My husband was laughing at  me because I was still trying to get ready with makeup and all and I'm just pausing every time contraction hits....

We waited for my mom to arrive (from her work) to escort as to the hosp together with my grand mother and I asked them to drop by mcdonalds for a drive thru so we could have breakfast.. they were all astound as they think labor is hard but to be honest the contractions werent that painful yet at that point... and they were coming and going...

so as soon as we arrived at the hospital my mom told peng to ask for a wheel chair but I said I dont need it as ive explained it wasnt that painful yet.. but my husband was too overlyprotective so he asked someone for wheelchair assistance..

I was then wheeled to labor and delivery...(honestly, I was scared I would be obliged to go back home because the pain I was feeling wasn't that "movie worthy" yet. Hehe but at the same time It was the most happiest, exciting and scariest time of my life... I recalled looking around every corner..everything I saw made its significant memory for my most happiest day....the hallway.. The nurses.. The hospital doors.. The air.. Everything.. I was trying to record every thing I saw.. Felt.. It was surreal.

we were asked to fill up form before heading to our very own birthing suite! :)

Nurse asked for me to remove my clothes and change to this very appealing hospital gown. hehe

It was around 9 am when I felt the contractions hitting more painful again..

I was so glad I ate an egg mcmuffin and iced coffee because as I was about to get my epidural, the nurse instructed that I cannot eat anything anymore...

The nurse did an internal exam only to find out that I was just 4 cm dilated still

but when my doctor arrived, she told me i could go ahead and get my epidural since she will be dilating me..

I could still remember how panicky and scared I got because the thought of putting ahuge needle on my back scares the hell out of me already.

so when the anesthesiologist came, I was super super scared.. he then asked everyone to leave and let my husband stayed with me.. he instructed on what I should do and there I was, crying non stop.. scared.. and horriffied.. my husband held my hand and saw how I had to undergo such experience..

My contractions came and left and I was getting scared and excited for the final moment that I would be pushing my baby out my body.

I remember when I already had the urge to push the baby out, the doctor is still isn't there so nurses instructed me not to push at all and wait for my doctor..

Meanwhile I had a Playlist in my phone that is connected to our Bluetooth speaker that is playing in the background as I have prepared it for that special day. It was only 3 or 4 songs.. 1. Thousand years (our song for our baby.. During our darkest times (infertility) 2. How great is our God. 3. Somewhere over the rainbow (we used to sing this song to our baby when he was still in my tummy because it sounded as (Samuel-the name we gave to him.. So we sing it as "Samuel over the rainbow and he would kick hehe)

So back to the real thing, my doctor came and I remember the birthing suite suddenly looked like a surgery room as lights were turned on and "medical tools" were prepared.

..... And then I was instructed on how to breath and push.. So I did.. After several tries the doctor said I can see the head! I was already crying due to mixed emotions.. My husband holding my hand and crying with me telling me to push some more and we could already see the baby we've been waiting for years...

I pushed.. Pushed some more.. Doctor even made a cut since the baby's head got stuck for a while and I was super nervous of that.. But after the cut when I pushed there he is.. Coming out of me like the ones you see in the movies.. It was surreal.. I could still cry just thinking about it.. They laid him on my chest.. I'm crying.. My husband's crying.. My mom's crying.. My grandmother's crying.. My little brothers recording the moment.. And there I was rediscovering a new kind of love right in front of me it was magical.. I still remember getting concerned because our little baby's not crying so I asked what's wrong? Why is he not crying? They said that "nothing he's fine".. So when The nurses took him away to take his weight that's when I heard him cry for the first time and me and peng even laughed for a while amazed that he knows that he is not with his mama already that's why he cried...

He was given back to me so I could try to breastfeed and even though the feeling was all new I knew that the obligation.. The love.. It would be for a  lifetime..

We named him Samuel Knox.. Samuel because of 1 Samuel 1:27.. It was the story I read in the Bible during one of our failed ivf treatments.. It was about this barren woman who asks God for a child and God gave him one and she named him Samuel.. and I knew in that moment that by my faith God would also eventually bless us with a child (either through miracle or adoption)... And Knox "just because" actually it was peng who liked the name he got it from Brad Pitts son named knox.

I am forever blessed to that I have this story as a part of my life now.. Because this story made me whole.. I've been waiting all my life to feel these.. To have these.. And God has been so gracious for having me experience this kind of joy..

My birth story is totally a life changing event that I would never forget..

Thank you again dear Lord for allowing me to be a mom and to experience this kind of love.. The love that I have for my son.. For Samuel knox.. :)